I turned 50 this year and really wonder sometimes if it's worth going on. I haven't worked in my field in 10 years, and now am unlikely to be able to, thanks to being seen as obsolete.


I had a bad accident a couple of months ago, that I'm taking forever to heal from, and I feel like between the followup appointments from that, and the regular round of tests one is supposed to have when one turns 50, I feel like all I do is go to Dr's appointments.

I have a few hobbies, and some good friends so it's not all totally bleak, but I'm surviving on disability and handouts from my brother. I need a room mate to make my rent. I am no where near where I expected to be at 50.

I look ahead and don't see a lot of hope - more of the same, followed by poverty in old age.

I've screwed up most of my life by being an alcoholic, now in recovery, and wasted a lot of years and money on booze and let it destroy my career. Throw in the mental health problems, and I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

About the only thing that keeps me going, is the knowledge that I'm hard to kill - 3 unsuccessful SU attempts, multiple serious traffic accidents, and my latest headfirst dive down a flight of concrete stairs which I escaped relatively lightly. I figure someone, somewhere out there is looking out for me, so maybe I can make an effort to claw my way back to a somewhat normal life.

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