I'm sorry you both are experiencing challenging mothers. Mine does not emotionally connect (with anyone) and is a narcissist. I have found Peg Streep's book Daughter Detox to be very helpful and I would highly recommend it to you. For a long time I did not understand there was a problem with my mom or what the problem was. When I was growing up, she seemed on the surface to have it all together. My mother seemed like a different person after we lost my dad about 15 years ago. Now she is very judgemental and negative and self-centered (everything is about her). My theory is that my dad's presence and strong personality kept some of her ways hidden, at least partially. The last hurdle for me has been accepting she is not going to change. Until recently I still had hope down deep that she would change and I would have the mom that I've always needed. But clinging to that little bit of hope, even unconsciously, kept me from fully healing and being free. Daughter Detox offers many strategies for healing from unloving mothers, whether they are like mine or yours or controlling or etc (she outlines 8 types of unloving mothers). And the book is full of scientific evidence about how babies and children are wired to tune into their mothers, which ensures survival of the species, and how it damages us when we don't get love and validation from our mothers.

My mom is not interested at all in connecting with me or my family. Everything is very surface - weather, who is related to whom in town (she lives in the town where she grew up and I grew up there, too) and who goes to church. As a narcissist, of course she thinks she is a wonderful mother and person and is very judgemental and negative about everyone else. She frequently tries to take credit for my accomplishments and how great our kids turned out. I tell her that my accomplishments don't belong to her. I've gotten to the point where I try to keep our visits as short as possible and I try not to tell her anything.


I wish you both all the best in dealing with these difficulties.