I wonder if I'm really depressed. I mean, I lack energy, my interest in things has declined, I've lost motivation, I'm perpetually gloomy, and I'm certainly not happy. But am I depressed or am I just having trouble ascribing meaning to my own life? Is there a difference?

I'm an agnostic, which means I have no idea if there's a god, a point to the big picture, or any objective point to existence. I firmly and adamantly believe that I can't know. But I exist regardless so like any good existentialist I have tried to give my own meaning to my life.

I tried kids but then I project my existential crisis onto them. They have the same problem, after all. I tried to make art the point of being but I can't create art 24 hours a day and besides, that attaches my own significance to the approval of my work by others and I just don't like other people enough to put my fate in their hands. I tried living for the moment but the second you get bored you're screwed.

So after religion, philosophy, psychology, art, career, family, drugs, technology, consumerism, routine, what's left? Why do I feel so empty? Why can't I enjoy the existence I have? Why do I not feel comfort in the fact that at least a few people would care if I were killed by a falling piece of a space satellite today? Why do I want nothing more than to sleep and subsequently avoid my own conscious existence?

Why can't I just pick something to care deeply about and care about it already?!!

I worry that at the end of my life I'll look back and realize that I never figured out how to enjoy any of it.

I wish I could find a new obsession. A new thing to devote myself to and anticipate. A new thing to engage with child like wonder.

But who has the time?

My body feels so heavy, my head is always swimming, and aside from a cold spot between my shoulder blades, I don't seem to care about much. At least, not with any enthusiasm.

So maybe I'm depressed or maybe I'm being obliterated by the absurdity of the human condition.

Or maybe I just need a nap.

Cyran0