My main type of episode is mixed so I have been through it many, many times. Feeling up and down at the exact same time is hell. When it really amps up I experience severe agitation, racing thoughts, rapid speech, irritability, rage, deep depression, and intense suicidal ideation that is constant. Basically, I need to be hospitalised on most occasions to stay safe and get some stability.

Unfortunately, mixed states are often misdiagnosed so not treated. On top of that they are hard to treat. Right now I’m three months stable after years of almost constant mixed episodes (some mild). First I was misdiagnosed for years then it took a while to find stability with the right meds.

I’m sorry you are in this place. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.