Today’s session was good. I mentioned the disability benefit assessment first, but said I didn’t want to dwell on it. R mentioned that she has some experience with them in another role.
Then we went straight into the meat of the session, talking about my anger.

‘When I trust somebody new with this experience…often the first thing they ask is ‘Did they ask for money?’

‘Oh.’ That was a sad sound ‘I hear that you feel dismissed then, as if you then think “Well, I’m not going to bother being authentic with you.”, because you don’t really feel heard.’
‘Yes…I have been doing some reading about non-violent communication. There are a number of common human needs, and the one that jumped out at me in my reading is the need for understanding. I don’t mean that I need to know why. I think it is safer if I drop that question, because I can’t imagine an answer that I wouldn’t somehow turn toxic.’

The conversation turned to my anger, about which R had a few more questions. I then mentioned returning to the garden centre for the first time since last time.

‘The garden centre…it sounds like there’s an association there. It’s become a trigger.’
‘Yes – in January 2011, I was in the area where they keep the fencing…three or five days after I had heard that Kim had died. Time gets fuzzy. They have moved them now, but I was blindsided by a display of pet memorials.’
‘I remember. I don’t mean to be harsh, but they do symbolise death.’

R and I had a conversation during which she disclosed that she had experienced a panic attack before, and feels that if she were to go back to the place where that happened, she would not necessarily experience another panic attack, but she would not be comfortable.
‘Exactly.’
R asked me what I would need ideally in that situation. I mentioned that it was mostly reassurance. R asked whether my mother is aware of the situation. I confirmed that she is, though perhaps not aware of the impact.
‘People need to understand before they can offer reassurance.’
I started to talk about the difference between my emotions surrounding January 2011 and Chris’ death. ‘Chris’ death was a soft sadness, but Kim’s was a tidal wave.’

‘It sounds tortuous as you talk about it.’

I agreed aned began to talk about the information that I was given. ‘Unless you’re close family, that is not normal.’
‘No.’

We talked more about this, and R observed that it sounded as though I had almost become trapped in the situation. I agreed and we finished the session by acknowledging that I am harbouring a lot of anger which I don’t know how to release without hurting myself or others.