StreetcarBlanch, one of the challenges that can develop when suffering from narcissistic abuse is being sensitive. This is something I myself have been challenged with in that certain responses from people can trigger me in that the responses were used by the narcissistic abuser. And the narcissistic abuser doesn't care about your self esteem, however, they will use their skills to make you think they respect you and your self esteem if it benefits them in some way.

Your sister already made it a point to have all the power over your mother and even her money. From what you have described your sister doesn't care about your mother, what she cares about the most is having the power. The fact that you are taking steps to not get left with having to do all the "care" with your mother is wise and means a part of you is aware of the game being played. Yet, you do still care about your mother's well being.

These two "friends" you are talking about MAY be similar in that one of these two has the power and the other one is already under their control. Suddenly you ended up in a triangle with them and that can be very triggering in that you are already in a toxic triangle with your mother and sister and neither your mother nor your sister are respecting your own needs when it comes to getting an education and being able to be independent. That being said, sometimes it's not exactly the same, but it can FEEL like it and be triggering and cause you to react defensively. That would be a normal reaction to experiencing the kind of narcissitic abuse you have talked about experiencing.

I believe you when you talk about wanting to find care for your mother before you leave and your sister isn't even listening or respecting how that is important to you. It's unfortunate, but your sister will continue to WANT all the control and I have a strong feeling is the only way you are going to get her to LISTEN to you is to set a timeline and just leave. If she doesn't provide the care your mother deserves, then your next step is to report her to elder abuse and neglect. They will do a check on your mother and they will MAKE your sister do something or your sister will LOSE the power she has. Actually, this is what my older brother ended up doing when it came to my parents. My sister wanted all the control over them and their money, but, she was lying about the care they were getting and both me and my older brother stopped to see them and their house stunk so bad and all the food in their refrigerator was rotten and their refrigerator stunk to high heaven. At that point I did not really know about what my parents set up for who they gave ALL the control to. My sister did not want me or my brother to know that reality. I was under the impression that my sister was going to hire people to care for my parents, well, she did not do that and they were at the point where they both needed that. This is the sad reality when a parent is slowly declining with dementia, they get so they can't care for themselves and become more and more dependent. If your mother doesn't have a lot of money to cover her care but there will be insurance for when she passes, your sister may actually neglect your mother and only care about the insurance pay out when your mother passes. Some people can be THAT COLD. If your sister can use you as your mother's caregiver, she will do so if she is selfish too. Honestly, it can be very hard when dealing with someone who insists on having all the control and don't want YOU to have any control at all. Sometimes that means having to walk away and hand that person control and hold that person to the responsibilities of that control they covet so much. The price is that you will then be deemed the cold enemy deserving of shunning and punishing. Hell hath no fury like that of the narcissist.

I can see you have been learning a lot about this kind of toxic person. They definitely leave you with some pretty disturbing injuries that can create some difficult sensitivies. I have this myself and my own experience has been absolutely "horrible". It definitely takes time to heal and sometimes you will need to travel solo for a while and get yourself established so you can have more strength in yourself first. You are trying to do that for yourself and are still young enough to do so. It's best to be independent as toxic people like to look for victims that they can get to be dependent on them.