My psych care started when I was 14. I started self harming in eighth grade and my mom found out and took me to the hospital. From 14-16 I was in the hospital six times, in the state hospital for three months, and in a residential program for six month. The. I moved to a new school for kids with behavioral and emotional problems and I did much better. I even stopped my medication and therapy. I still self harmed though. But sometimes I could go three months without it whereas previously it had been multiple times a day.

I refer to 2005-2006 as my lost year. After I graduated high school I fell into a deep depression over the summer. I started self harming more often. I went to college in the fall and lived on campus but I couldn’t hack it. I went to a counselor on campus but I did something stupid and she put me in the hospital. That’s where I got my first bp dx and ended up going into basically a year long mixed episode. I was in the hospital seven times in ten months. Any time out of the hospital was spent in a PHP program. It all culminated in a serious suicide attempt and my first round of ect treatments. Ect pulled me out of the severe depression I was in and gave me my life back. I also met my husband at this time. I spent another six months in a PHP program that helped me deal with the trauma of losing my dad and I was on my way. I was convinced I didn’t have bipolar.

All was well for six years. I finished college, got married, had my son. I had occasional episodes but didn’t recognize them for what they were. I was off medication and out of therapy. It was nice.

At 25 I started experiencing more intense and longer depressions and more intense and clear cut hypomanias. I remembered what the doctor had said, that I had bipolar. I started looking for information and realized it sounded a lot like me. I joined this site around that time (hence the 25 in my username). Then all hell broke loose for the next three years. Depression, hypomania, mixed, psychosis. Seven more hospitalizations. Another round of ECT. Self harming, suicidal behavior, etc. on top of this my husband developed a drug problem.

I was finally getting stable when my husband suddenly died of a drug overdose. I ended up in the hospital one week after that after a serious self harm incident but after that I knew I had to get my life together for my son. He couldn’t be left with no parents. So I tried very hard to find meds that worked. Went through another round of ECT but I managed to stay out of the hospital for two and a half years. I was finally stable on a combo of invega sustenna and emsam.

Then I had to go off the invega two years ago because it messed up my hormones and caused me to gain 75lbs in the matter of one year. All hell broke loose again. I was tried on latuda but it gave me insufferable anxiety and sent me mixed. Then I took a job I knew wouldn’t be good for me but it was more money so I decided I needed it. It was horrible. By October I was severely depressed. By November I was psychotic. I recovered a little by going out on fmla but when I went back to work it got bad again. I remember being extremely paranoid. I thought people would poison my food, I though my school was tracking me through my key card and the cameras, I thought police were following me and were going to detain me thinking I was high, and I felt like I was going to be attacked at any moment. I was also gloriously hypomanic. And then I crashed. I started mixing medications and taking too much. Finally my therapist sent me to the hospital. I was started on lamictal, depakote, and haldol. And finally, finally I was stable.

I’ve heen stable for over a year now and it’s a magical feeling.