When I used to work, I used to have many times when I'd repeat again and again "I want to go home!" Well, I've been home for years now. Sometimes I still cry out "I want to go home!", but I am home. I guess I want to go to a place where things were just easier again. But they are tough, and I have to face these challenges. Sometimes I want to just run away, but I know that if I did, I'd be lost. Being totally lost is to me, like being in hell.

I have to remind myself that in between these cries I do have good days, and sometimes very good days. But when I'm stressed, those good days seem to be cloudy in my memory. So if I need to close my eyes and reach out my arms for a caress, I need to do it. I will reach for that caress and keep reaching until it will comfort me. When I'm ready, I can open my eyes and the things may not seem so foggy/cloudy anymore. However, if I never dared open my eyes again, there would only be blackness and nothingness. Not the kind of nothingness that is "free of", but the kind that is total loss and defeat.