Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats
No. I have a DID diagnosis. I even got a second opinion from an expert in the field, and he confirmed the diagnosis.
My system is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. What I mean by this is that my Parts will always respond to my legal name, provide my legal age when asked, etc., and also that one of them seems specifically driven to keep me in doubt of their existence. The psychiatrist who I recently saw (who confirmed my diagnosis -- the original diagnosis being made 10 years ago...I've spent a good decade trying to ignore it/run from it/deny it/whatever) explained that "denial of my own experience" is a big part of DID. Which, I guess, makes sense...given that the dissociation is in and of itself a method of avoiding one's own experience for survival.
I am almost always co-conscious. I do have some complete amnesia for my childhood -- entire important people just deleted out of existence. It is very rare, now, for me to experience such total amnesia. Instead, what more often happens is that "I" am shoved to the back and end up powerless while another Part (or alt...sorry, I struggle with the terms, because it becomes "TOO REAL"... it's hard to explain. It's all a part of the seeming NEED to deny my own experience)....anyways, I end up shoved to the back while someone else takes over. I am still there. I don't black out. Sometimes, I can literally feel their emotions. Sometimes, I can't and it's like I feel nothing while they are expressing INTENSE feelings out loud (they might be yelling at someone in intense anger while I feel nothing; they might be sobbing in pain while I feel nothing emotionally). Often, they express beliefs or thoughts that I don't agree with at all. My own memories of things they say, etc. are foggy -- as if I am remembering something that happened a long time ago or to someone else even though it just happened and I WAS there. But I don't black out. TOTAL amnesia is very rare for me -- like so rare that I can pretty well explain it away most of the time.
The psychiatrist says that MOST people with DID present with "micro-amnesias," which he describes as not being able to recall what was just being said in a conversation or being able to recall things, but they are foggy/as if it happened to someone else. This is the story of my life.
BUT...like I said...I am almost always co-conscious. I hear the others in my head. And, they often seem to hear what's going on out here.
I'm curious as to how this compares to integration. Do you stop having separate voices in your head? Do you stop having conversations in your head? Or, do you just start thinking of all of the separate voices as being your own thoughts?
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thank you so much for clarifying your post for me. it makes sense to me now
your questions..short answer is yes I stopped hearing separate dissociative voices of my alters. but I still have those normal everyone has them voices like taking to myself, thinking and having thoughts and arguements with myself.
let me show you what I mean..
take two glasses of water one cold and one hot. they are completely separate but when you combine them (integrate them) they become one and the same.
now when looking at the water after they have been poured together you see and taste no difference everything that was the cold water is still there and everything that was the hot water is still there. the two just combined.
thats what happens with integration of alters. everything that they were mixes in with a persons normal way of being.
the conscious personality that is me when I am awake and fully aware
the unconscious (in other words dissociated) personalities that are functioning when I was having my dissociation symptoms
they both combined into one conscious personality. there is no need to hear separate voices nor is there any need for switching into alters because all I need to do now is think about things like normal people
example when rainy was not integrated with me and a storm happened. I would have my dissociation symptoms of feeling numb spaced out disconnected then rainy would be in control, change out of the wet clothing, and get something warm to eat and do something comforting. sometimes I would hear her talking but very rarely.
with what was rainy integrated back with my normal personality I have the ability to breath and relax when a storm would happen, change out of my wet clothing, get something to eat and do something that would comfort me. I would not hear rainy talking because shes not seperate from me any more.we are one whole personality now.
the way my own treatment provider explained it to me is that how and what rainy used to talk is now part of how and what I talk about. there is no difference anymore because we are one now. then she had me do an experiment. tape record my voice. and listen. I can pick out certain words, phrases and tones that used to be rainy that is now added back in with how and who I am again
thanks to integration my voice is no longer lacking emotions and such and isnt limited according to what was dissociated and what wasnt.