Hello lovethesun. Sorry you are struggling with this situation. It sounds stressful and frustrating. Your BIL cannot make you take in your MIL if you and your husband don't want to do that. That decision is between the two of you. You can simply disregard your BIL's comment without getting into it with him. Similarly, if you do not feel comfortable buying him a gift for his vow renewal, you don't have to. You don't even have to go if you'd rather not. That said, do you really want to be despising someone and wishing death on them? That sounds very unhealthy for you and not the path the peace. Someone said that carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Some of the issues coming up, though very frustrating for you, are between your hub, his brother, and mother. For example, how often someone else visits her is not for you to determine...just as it's not up to your BIL to determine that she will live with you. The main issue here seems to be boundaries....both setting them for yourself and respecting others' boundaries. If that sounds like something you'd appreciate help with, I think consulting with an experienced family and marriage therapist could be really valuable.

I wish you and your hub peace, hope, and a bright future.