All of this time wasnt treated

Age 8: Panic attacks. Would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying, hyperventilating, and praying asking the gods to please let me live a little longer. Scary stuff.

Age 12: First major depressive episode. Suicidal. Made plans. Made many plans. Making plans was what helped me get through it, knowing I had an out. I really wish I had told someone about this but I was too scared and confused. Started self harming (rarely)

Age 15: First hallucination. It was a cat. We were on vacation. I remember looking around the entire condo we rented for this black cat. I thought it was real! Of course I did! It was my first hallucination I didnt know what I was dealing with!

Age 15: Got depressed again. Suicidal but... not as severely. Not as strongly. I think being older helped me a bit here. I dunno though. It was just less severe than the episode I had at 12. Less unrelenting.

Age 18: First hypomanic/manic episode. Made all As this year with no struggle. And by all As I mean- every grade was over 100%. Before I was lazy. Not this year though. I had so much energy on and off this year and it was great

Age 19: Stress and anxiety starting college. Went and talked to someone but they said I was fine. I guess Im good at coming across as doing better than I am. Its been both a gift and a curse in some ways.

All this time WAS treated

Age 20: Got really depressed again. Another episode. Suicidal. Got to the point where I was scared that if I didnt do something about it I wouldnt be able to stop myself from hurting myself in some way. Went to on campus mental health clinic. Saw therapist and had first psychiatric visit. Was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADD and given antidepressants and stimulants.

Age 20-21: Struggled. Struggled a lot. Was on antidepressants but they made things WORSE. Felt constantly like I wanted to rip my own skin off. Had panic attacks frequently. I honestly... dont really know what was going on with my mind this year. Dysphoric mania? Rapid cycling? I dunno. But it was bad. To the point where I was curling up into balls in the sides of rooms, in the fetal position, just to protect myself from and minimize the pain. Was eventually put on antipsychotic just to... calm things down a bit. It started helping but it was a very low dose.

Also age 20-21 (lots happened during this period): Was diagnosed with bipolar NOS or bipolar 1 with psychotic features depending on the professional. Antipsychotic was raised to therapuetic level. I started feeling better! My grades went up and I could function again! I could sleep. It was nice. It felt like I had my life back. I did better for a good while.

Age 21 (near the end of it): Self adjusted my meds. Went down on them and got very depressed. Suicidal ideation. Meds were adjusted back up next time I saw psychiatrist though.

Age 22: Pretty solid. Fairly normal for me until the end of it. Hallucinations started coming more and more frequently. What was once every month or two was now several times a week. Was scary and hard to deal with- not necessarily the hallucinations (though those WERE generally unsettling) but the fact that I didnt want what was happening to me to be true. I didnt want to be crazy. I was afraid Id just get sicker and sicker. And I did. Or at least... I allowed myself to.

Age 23: Was hallucinating but still able to ignore it or dismiss it mostly- but was frustrated with life in general so self adjusted my meds again. Started hearing voices encouraging me to continue to not take it. Stopped medication all together. Became very psychotic. Was almost hospitalized but avoided it. Worried a ton of people. Eventually, after a lot of drama really, started meds back up. Diagnosed schizoaffective.

Age 23: Now. Im trying. Im scared but Im trying to keep going despite it. I have a hard time believing my own brain in lots of different ways but... people are helping me help myself and things are ok right now. Not ideal but... well. It is what it is.

Ive seen 5 or 6 or 7 idk therapists during this time. 2 psychiatrists. More than a dozen meds trued. No hospitalizations (yay!). No phps. Not iops. Just therapy and psychiatry and a couple groups.