Hello Peonie30. Thank you for sharing such a candid and open truth. That is not easy to do so give yourself credit for that. No, you are *not a "piece of ****" and you do *not have an "ugly mentality. "

What it sounds like you are struggling with is very low self-esteem. You don't value yourself unconditionally therefore you place a great deal of emphasis on attainment and competing with others. Sounds like you are getting stuck on "less than/more than" thinking. Something to think about: what if you are never more than or less than anyone else regardless of who they are or what they have accomplished? What if there is no "top" to reach? What does Life mean to you then?

If I may say so, I think your lens is pointed in the wrong direction. I don't think the primary issue is other people, or competition, or how you relate to others. I think the most pertinent issue is how you think and feel about yourself. So, with regard to your question, that's where I recommend you start...find ways to improve your self-esteem.

I don't know if this helps? Have you considered consulting with an experienced therapist? I have found therapy very beneficial at more than one crossroads in my life.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it (even if you don't feel as though you do)!