Thanks SilverTrees.I am typing this with tears streaming down my face. Reading "And it is terribly sad and painful" got to me.It is so extremely sad and painful,more than anyone around me in real life can comprehend.Actually it feels like more than I can comprehend myself.

I have honestly thought about having a small memorial service for my husband as a way to accept and let go of who he used to be.That probably sounds horrible and morbid but that's how I feel.I was thinking if I could some how let go of who he used to be I could tolerate and accept who he is now and it might be easier. I'm obviously lost and confused right?

No,I haven't talked with a therapist,yet.But I really do think I need to.I don't want to die I just want this pain to stop.I don't really want to kill myself i just want a solution.

Thanks for what you said about TBi's.That was helpful.And also what you said about the frontal lobe.That would explain his violent rages and tantrums he has now.I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time trying so hard to not set him off yet not knowing wat will set him off.I changed the channel on the TV one day,he was not anywhere near it,and he picked up the sweeper and threw it against the wall because I had.He has become violent and has left bruises on me a few times.

Thanks for your kind words.They have helped.I just wish I could wave a magic wand and he would have awareness.