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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana
Thanks SilverTrees.I am typing this with tears streaming down my face. Reading "And it is terribly sad and painful" got to me.It is so extremely sad and painful,more than anyone around me in real life can comprehend.Actually it feels like more than I can comprehend myself.
I have honestly thought about having a small memorial service for my husband as a way to accept and let go of who he used to be.That probably sounds horrible and morbid but that's how I feel.I was thinking if I could some how let go of who he used to be I could tolerate and accept who he is now and it might be easier. I'm obviously lost and confused right?
No,I haven't talked with a therapist,yet.But I really do think I need to.I don't want to die I just want this pain to stop.I don't really want to kill myself i just want a solution.
Thanks for what you said about TBi's.That was helpful.And also what you said about the frontal lobe.That would explain his violent rages and tantrums he has now.I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time trying so hard to not set him off yet not knowing wat will set him off.I changed the channel on the TV one day,he was not anywhere near it,and he picked up the sweeper and threw it against the wall because I had.He has become violent and has left bruises on me a few times.
Thanks for your kind words.They have helped.I just wish I could wave a magic wand and he would have awareness.
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What you are describing sounds very much like frontal lobe impairment. It can indeed cause a person to be violent though that of course does not help you. What could help you though is to have training from a professional on how to avoid triggering him and how to de-escalate him when necessary. By that I do NOT mean that this is your fault in any way. But there are folks out there with a great deal of insight into how this brain damage affects a partner and a home life. Your husband will not talk to them. That is clear. But you can. You can consult with a neuropsychologist, psychiatrist, or medical speech-language pathologist....give them all of your examples from the breakdown at home and see what they advise. This will not be new or shocking to them.
Your memorial service idea actually does not sound bad at all. Provided your husband would not find out, and you have some understanding participants, I think you need to explore whatever options bring you any solace.
No wonder you are crying as you write about this Betty. You are in your own version of hell at this point. I imagine it is a very lonely sort of hell. But always remember that help is available to those who seek it. Your husband is not seeking it. But you can for yourself. Take good care.