I've been married for a year and a half. Not long, by any standard, but it's already falling apart in front of me, and I can't do anything to stop it. I guess it all started a few days before our 1 year anniversary. He went to visit female friend from highschool, and came home at 3 in the morning. I was upset, he accused me of being overly controling, and we went to bed. As he was getting ready, I saw a hickey on his chest that I had not put there.

I didn't say anything. A few days later he left for basic training, and I kept it all to myself. I agonized over it. What did it mean? How could he do this? How far had it gone? Why? I sat on it for about 4 months, until we were visiting family for Christmas. We visited her for a day. That night I told him that I knew, and asked for the details. They were vague, but ended with no sex. I confirmed this later with both her, and a firend he had confessed to before I confronted him.

A few weeks later I found emails between the two of them saying things like, "I will always be yours and you will always be mine." I actually started cutting myself after I found those. I confronted him, and told him make his choice. He chose me, and hasn't contacted her since. I know because I've been monitoring his communication. Which brings me the next issue.

A few weeks ago, I found emails and text message between him and two other girls of a very graphic nature. In one message he said he'd wear his silk boxers next time he was in town. I found him making contact with multiple girls via facebook, adultfriendfinder, and myspace. The last one I found was only last week. This is after I had confronted him about the first set of emails and he promised to never do this again, because he didn't want to lose me.

The shock, I suppose, is how long and how many. Since all the girls he's made contact with haven't lived in the same state as us, I believe that he's never had a physical relationship with them.

The worst part is that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He says he's sorry that I'm hurt by it, but that doesn't stop him. He says he loves me more than anything, but I know now that it's a lie, even if he doesn't realize it himself.

Before I met him, I lived a very shallow, perfectionistic lifestyle. He was the first person I ever trusted enough to open up to, the first person that made me feel deeper. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and now it's all coming down. I don't think I can describe how much it hurts. Now I start crying in the middle of things for no reason, I have slept well in weeks, I barely eat, and my hands start shaking whenever I see a knife.

I have no one I can talk to, and I'm so alone all the time. I'm either in pain, or I feel nothing at all.

We start counseling tomorrow. If it doesn't work, we'll be getting divorced.