i am so grateful and relieved

the monday thing was a mass of confusion to me and i KNEW something couldn't be right... like i said, he had been so solid

i told him what i thought and what he said and how it all came out and how upset i had been and then how i had tried to cope but was over my head

it was a NEW thing that i was still hanging on to the idea that he wouldn't hurt me on purpose... i wrote it out over and over

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

and he said "you're right"

he said he was impressed with how hard i had worked... he knew i had... and he was most impressed with how much i had worked through on my own

he said that no one could have just jumped to the finish line from my point

i think something got lost in the conversation on Monday, and he was talking about call backs in general... that they weren't the best thing.. and he's right, but he didn't complete that, he didn't add the part ".. but you aren't there yet.." When i asked he had said i was focussing on what i couldn't do for myself and so i didn't get an answer

i think its easy to have gotten to the point of despair i did

but we clarified everything... i told him i needed reassurance today and he gave it... he was very receptive and gentle... he was perfect (well, except for the fact that we aren't going to hang out or anything - phooey)

i told him i had been so overwhelmed and so lost.

he said that in the stuff i wrote to him i had gotten to some HUGE points we need to work on... and i told him that in two weeks he managed to hit not one, but TWO big fissures in my brain

he was so good with me today... he understood

SO... bottom line

i can leave messages to my heart's content (his words)

He will ALWAYS call me back if i ASK - ALWAYS

but i need to learn how not to ask except when i really, need that and i can't help myself first

he said when i am in crisis he will ALWAYS call back

he said nothing has changed except i need to help myself FIRST before i call him

and i asked to be sure and yes, there is room for me to %#@&#! up and get it wrong... WITHOUT "consequences"

he said " we are on the same page again"

and something he said was that yes, he was withdrawing something... by making me do something for myself first.... but he emphasized that in no way was he withdrawing from me emotionally

(which of course, is the same as saying he is there emotionally too right?)

I LOVE YOU GUYS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME