I want to make myself sick. Not hospital level but close enough that they realize they love me and don't want me to die. Problem is most likely even if it's not "hospital level" he'd probably make me go. He doesn't have time to take me to the hospital. I don't want to be there feeling ill. I don't want medication. I just want him to KNOW that it's not what he wants. He can say that's not what he wants all day. He can even rush me to the hospital but that doesn't mean he truly doesn't feel that way. I'm so torn. I'm trying to take his words at face value but they sting because they're all lies. I know if I die it would ruin their lives and I would like to think they would miss me.