Sorry to hear you're feeling this way dannypk16. I hope you pursue an MFA in Writing in Spain if you aren't already b/c you're writing is fantastic. I know that's off topic from your post, but I had to point that out b/c rarely do I come across such great writing style as yours. Could easily be the introduction to a memoir, a mystery, or a film script. Or, a philosophy PhD.

But, back to your post.

I see examples of distorted thinking within your writing that can create cyclical distorted thinking, "I can't have a good relationship with anyone," and "I failed every time," and "it all seems so hopeless."

Since you are young, you essentially have your whole life ahead of you to sort out this melancholy. I haven't read your past threads before responding, so I don't know if your family of origin is abusive either emotionally or physically. But, if your family of origin was emotionally neglectful to you, it makes sense then, how disconnected you feel to other people. Have you been diagnosed yet by a psychiatrist with a personality disorder, or are you assuming that you have a sadistic personality mixed with misanthropy and antisocial traits?

Interesting how you mention that your ex-girlfriend was your "source" because narcissists use people as their "source" of emotional energy. Is that how you perceived her role in your life?

How can we help you here at PC? What kind of relationships would you like to develop with people? Do you have friendships? Are you just upset about this breakup? If so, I can understand. Breakups stink. They are very stressful to process emotionally at first and the only healer is time itself. The farther away you get from the breakup you eventually feel less emotional pain.