Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way dannypk16. I hope you pursue an MFA in Writing in Spain if you aren't already b/c you're writing is fantastic. I know that's off topic from your post, but I had to point that out b/c rarely do I come across such great writing style as yours. Could easily be the introduction to a memoir, a mystery, or a film script. Or, a philosophy PhD.
But, back to your post.
I see examples of distorted thinking within your writing that can create cyclical distorted thinking, "I can't have a good relationship with anyone," and "I failed every time," and "it all seems so hopeless."
Since you are young, you essentially have your whole life ahead of you to sort out this melancholy. I haven't read your past threads before responding, so I don't know if your family of origin is abusive either emotionally or physically. But, if your family of origin was emotionally neglectful to you, it makes sense then, how disconnected you feel to other people. Have you been diagnosed yet by a psychiatrist with a personality disorder, or are you assuming that you have a sadistic personality mixed with misanthropy and antisocial traits?
Interesting how you mention that your ex-girlfriend was your "source" because narcissists use people as their "source" of emotional energy. Is that how you perceived her role in your life?
How can we help you here at PC? What kind of relationships would you like to develop with people? Do you have friendships? Are you just upset about this breakup? If so, I can understand. Breakups stink. They are very stressful to process emotionally at first and the only healer is time itself. The farther away you get from the breakup you eventually feel less emotional pain. |
Thanks, I've always been interested in writing stories, poems, music lyrics and such, so it's natural for me to write this way when I'm explaining something, especially something personal.
My family isn't abusive at all, but they've made me feel useless and they always think they're right, I have no voice and I can't have privacy, they've got to know everything I do and think, which has ledt me to believe lying is safer than telling the truth, just because of my family.
I assume, I don't want to get diagnosed or talk to a therapist at all. I don't think I need to spend years feeling uncomfortable telling someone I barely know about my dark thoughts to get a diagnosis, medication or simple solutions that aren't really solutions, I'm pretty skeptic with that. It's enough by knowing that I feel a strong desire for hurting other people (especially emotionally), that everyone irritates me no matter what they do or say and that I care for no one and I have little empathy., labels play no role here.
That friend I mentioned isn't, and hasn't ever been, my girlfriend. That's why I said we loved each other, but not in a romantic way. I can't deny the fact I mostly used her to get compliments and emotional help, mostly because I couldn't do much more with her. I find it hard to think that's related to narcissism, anyway.
I'd say I want to have friends, but I'm starting to not want to have friends, I'd like to be left alone in order to people not hurt me. I'm becoming more paranoid and I sometimes even think someone is trying to harm me or get something from me, but I don't perceive it as a big issue, probably because of my inability to experience much anxiety. I do have "friends", but I have no feelings towards them, they're just like tools of entertainment for me and nothing more. I can't really trust in anyone enough to talk about all my problems and thoughts too openly. I'm feeling more disappointed and angry than any other thing right now.