Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
In my 20s and 30s, I dated men who would start with a pattern of verbal abuse that eventually led to each of them physically abusing me:
-alcoholic who would show up to my work bldg., when I was leaving for the day, who would grab my arm and pull me, try to strangle me at night while we slept, or slap me
-physical abuser guy first love bombed me, then in public would haul off and hit me across the face and walk ahead of me and not wait for me
-borderline bipolar guy would rant and rave and verbally abuse me and grab me
-guy who called me a psycho after he grabbed my arm when I called him out for doing it
Those are 3 examples of more than a few 'wrong' types of guys I dated. Recently, I met this guy through another acquaintance and the two times we've hung out, I initiated b/c it's pretty one-sided on his part (he has a harem of women 'friends' aka ex-girlfriends b/c he's a divorced single dad with a college age child) and he is a raging, and I mean, raging alcoholic.
We went to see a move recently and before the movie I told him that I get pretty excited and like to react out loud. I explained that I normally don't go to movies with guys anymore b/c I don't like being controlled or told how to behave by a guy. He assured me he wouldn't act that way but he did.
During a really exciting part of suspense, I let out a "Oh my god!" comment and he grabbed my right arm which triggered me.
What I wanted to do: jump up, slap him, and scream bloody murder at him for triggering my past physical abuse. What I did: pulled my arm away, glared at him, shifted in my seat to sit farther away from him and stayed silent the rest of the movie.
He told me he grabbed my arm at that moment, b/c he wanted to be closer to me. Of course I don't believe that b/c that's not how you treat someone you want to be closer to. I could see if he put his arm around me, but he grabbed my right arm when I made that loud comment at a suspenseful moment in the movie. I would never just grab someone like that, especially someone I barely know. It's about boundaries for me. I feel like he intentionally invaded my boundaries and was trying to control me, trying to signal me to be quiet by grabbing my arm.
So far, from what I know of his personality and from what our mutual acquaintance told me about him; he's very passive aggressive and has a lot of emotion bubbling under the surface. He comes across as passive but his true nature is one of aggression. I caught a glimpse of that, when he grabbed my arm.
Another person I told this story to, thinks I'm overreacting but my gut told me, his grabbing my arm like that was his way to try to abuse and control me; a highlight of what would be to come if I continued to throw away my time towards investing in a guy who is drunk 24/7 already, stuffs his feelings with alcohol, has a harem of ex-girlfriends and sends women like me whom he barely knows, bed-selfies (him drunk in bed, fully clothed, telling me that he finds me attractive but I know he's sloshed 100%).
I wanted to confront him after the movie but I chickened out b/c I don't know him well. He invited me back to his house and I said no. He ignored it and suggested I visit his house when his child (a college student) comes back to visit for the summer.
Also, when I told him what one of my hobbies was, he countered, "I can't see you doing that, really." All the red flags point to him probably being an abuser but I don't really know him.
I'm still freaked out a week later about the way he grabbed my arm b/c it brought back all the times I've been physically abused.
Does your past physical abuse still get triggered? How do you bring it up when the person triggers it by touching you or saying something to you that a former abuser used to say?
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Abuse leaves psychological scars. Those scars can and do heal - but they never completely go away. What that means is, there will always be moments that we get triggered (even if only momentarily and in a small degree) or are more overly cautious than those who have never been abused. That extends to all forms of abuse - physical and otherwise.
The thing to do though, is to try to understand: was it just a trigger?
To do that you must analyze the situation from a non-judgemental perspective (meaning without putting your own emotional judgement into it as being the definite conclusion until all options have been explored).
In this situation.
You screamed, he grabbed your arm
You flashed to other moments in your past - and became concerned this is a precursor of controlling/abusive behaviour
He says it was meant as an affectionate action.
Question 1 - was the grip tight n rough .. or loose n playful?
Question 2 - if you looked at him n were able to see, did he appear angry at all?
Question 3 - when it happened, were you thinking of him doing this or remembering the ways others had treated you in past relationships before they became abusive?
Next thing that happened - he said he could not see you doing the thing you said was your favorite.
It is one possibility he is controlling.
Other possibilities:
He was truly taken by surprise.
He didn't know what to say.
Anytime someone is an addict of anything, it is a red flag. For me - that would be the determining factor at this stage. His alcoholism. "Am I willing to accept that?" Or "Should I tell him I cannot have him.around me when he is drunk? (And demand he respect that)"
As far as telling him about your triggers - as they come up, as this one did .. if you truly decide you are interested in continuing the relationship.. just tell him you have had issues with past relationships that involved things that were not so pleasant, and some things bring up those memories and you react to the memories .. and the (event that occurred) is one of those things
If he asks for more details - tell him what you are comfortable with.. if he questions past that, just say "I'm sorry, I can't go into it further now ... it's too painful.."