I think it is normal to be hesitant. Our minds can make us think all kinds of things that worry us while in these states. It isn't your fault at all. It is a disease that messes with your brain chemistry and it needs to be treated. If you had MS or diabetes or something it wouldnt be your fault, but you would still need help. This is no different. I remember feeling so ashamed of my behavior and I've come to realize it wasn't my fault. I was sick and needed help.

The risky behavior is a symptom. It can be treated as well. You have to keep reminding yourself of that the most when it makes you feel good. You have to remind yourself that your safety and well being is worth more than a few thrills you will regret later.

My mother went manic all of a sudden almost 20 years ago. We had no idea what was happening or how to help her. She pushed everyone away and refused treatment because she was ashamed and afraid we judged her. She walked away from my dad and me. Fast forward to 6 months ago... I went completely insane one weekend. I was dragged against my will and hospitalized. I snapped out of it once I was medicated and then I realized what I had done. The shame was immense. I wanted to be alone and I didnt want to tell my story to anyone. My dad came to me and begged me with tears in his eyes to please let the doctors help me. He begged me to be honest and get the help I needed. He begged me not to be ashamed like my mother and to give the treatment time to work. I promised him I would and I did. Nobody treated me with anger even though my actions were despicable. Nobody judged me. They simply helped me. The people in group listened and offered support. My family let me apologize and they let me back into their lives even though I caused so much pain. The point is in my expereince I found people will genuinely help you if you are genuine about wanting help. You can do this if you want to. You're worth it.