Hello Foreign_Soul,

what a stressful and confusing situation! Sorry you are having these struggles. Thank you for sharing your truth! I've been in a similar though not identical situation. My partner and I have been together for years. We live together but are not married. We have no plans to marry; our own choice. Anyway, his cousin invited him to his wedding and the invitation made it clear that he could not have a plus one. My partner was not okay with this and called his cousin. He explained that he has a serious partner although we are not married so he would expect to bring me to the wedding just as a husband would bring his wife. His cousin refused to open up the invitation to me. He said their budget was limited and only married people could have a plus one in order to bring their spouse.

Here's another recent example. One of my female friends was getting married. She invited me and my partner. However, my other female friend is single and did not receive a plus one. She was offended and I completely understand and respect her point of view. Why should I get a plus one and she doesn't simply because she was not in a long-term relationship. Why couldn't she bring a date? Realistically, how many people want to go to a wedding with 300 guests on their own?? And if you can afford 300 guests, you can afford plus ones for all. If not, trim back the number and allow the plus one for all. To me, it is very rude and disrespectful to pick and choose who gets a plus one and who does not, or that spouses can bring their SO but long-term couples who live together cannot. Though I will tell you, where I live these rude practices around weddings are VERY common so I do not take them personally and cannot control them.

My partner went to the wedding without me. He was in a tough spot and I let it go. No big deal. I didn't lose sleep over it though I was not impressed by the bride and groom's choices. As for the other wedding, my single female friend vented her frustration about her zero plus one to me but did not wish to discuss with our friend the bride. So my partner and I made a fuss over our single friend, invited her to our home for a snack and a drink prior to the wedding...we shared an Uber there and sat at the same table together. It worked out okay. But I really think the hierarchical notion that married guests are most important, partnered unmarried guests are next, and single guests are least important is completely messed up. All adults should have a plus one. That is the polite and respectful way to invite people to one's wedding. And the plus one should be determined by the guest, not the bride and groom. If someone is so worried about budget or a deeply intimate setting with only people they know really well, they need to organize a small wedding with immediate family and lifelong friends only. A wedding of 300 guests is not intimate, no way no how. When brides and grooms start trying to evaluate who is a worthy partner for a plus one and who is not, well obviously they are skating on thin ice. My overall view of weddings (not marriage) is that they are typically ridiculous displays of exhibitionism, materialism, or wealth which have very little or nothing to do with marriage and togetherness. That explains why respect and decorum, on the part of the bride and groom, often seem to fly out the window whereas great attention is paid to registries (demands for gifts) and cakes and flowers etc.

As for you ForeignSoul, I would not spend too much time thinking about the wedding issue though I certainly understand your hurt and confusion. Instead, I would recommend couples therapy for yourself and your partner to address general themes of communication and mutual support etc.

I wish you and your family peace, hope, and a bright future!