Thank you Fuzzy for your hugs and always being here.

Today went ok. work is still playing on the background of my day and its nice not to have so much pressure anymore!

my friend's job interview went well and we hope she'll get hired after 3 weeks of apprenticeship. im a bit jealous because her job will be better than mine, but mine has its advantages too so i must shut up. she deserves a good job finally!!! but now i wont have anything more than she has, things will twist around and i will be the loser in any possible comparison with her. i maybe shouldnt feel or even think these things, but it comes authomatic for me to make comparisons with anyone meaningful in my life (and not).

anyway, this morning i remembered to wish happy bday to my online friend but she hasnt answered yet, instead P was pleased to get my wishes and my little present. at the end of the day we finished our shifts together and i got the courage to ask him for his phone number and give him a ride to the city center. talking with him is nice and he is a nice person but i still feel ambivalent about this new friendship. not sure why… guess im afraid things will evolve and he'll get hurt and disappointed because i cant give men what they need. i already used his phone number to send him a text wishing him a nice party tonight with his family but he hasnt answered yet…. but no panic, i know he must be busy (or i try to convince myself of it)

during lunch break i went home, had lunch and my dad came here too. he helped me with something online, with my tv too and he waited for the operators to come and check something (not sure what). after 3 hours (while i was gone at work) my dad told me they found something wrong and they must come back tomorrow morning, so he'll be here tomorrow morning again. im so thankful he can take care of that for me. i just hope its nothing i'll have to pay for, but accordingly to my dad its not, so i hope he's right.

tonight at home i heard somebody else coming in the empty flat next to mine. im not sure what to think. it just bothers me that there are so many different people coming here to see the flat every night!

im still eating more than i intend to, but im doing better and also trying out some pills to help losing weight. im so NOT happy about my body . but im trying to eat better.

tomorrow after work i'll go get the doc's referral i asked for today on the phone, then see my T and then i'll go get gas. after that, the week should start getting easier, mentally and emotionally.

tonight my mom told me on the phone my bro got to have his job switched to full time. im a bit happy for him, a bit envious of him, and a bit jealous because my mom made a big deal out of it and because she suggested i contact him and congratulate with him. but i dont feel like doing it, so why should i? i'll see him next week. no hurry. i dont know why, (and i must be a monster because of it), but i do not feel like congratulating with him. he never congratulated with me about anything so why anytime its about him i should congratulate with him and he never did it with me?????????? he is a good guy and deserved the full time, but why when its about him its always a big deal and when its about me it never is?

now i'll take my meds, wash dishes and then i'll try and go to sleep. i've had enough for today. emotionally at least. i hope tomorrow will be easier. and no alcohol because i got chocolate and im saving up my vodka for tomorrow night when i'll be able to just relax…

ps. P just answered and he was kind and warm and i love the way he is and the way he smiles. he does and says everything with his heart. i can feel it and i love this about him.