Over the past few years I’ve been unsatisfied with the behavior and relationship that I have with a couple of my cousins, who are the sons of my dad’s older sister. I’ll call the older one Cousin A and the younger Cousin B.

Cousin B is the most worrisome so I’ll talk about him first. My family and I have been up and down with this family member because of vast differences in personalities and attitudes. B has always had an interest in anything that is wildly out of the ordinary in terms of musical tastes, what is “hip”, and most problematically, political beliefs. B frequently seemed to go wherever the wind blows. This is a sharp contrast from me and my immediate family, as we like obtaining general overviews of what’s popular or pressing but without compromising our values or our interests. This has not been a problem for me personally (with the exception of my parents) until recently, when B constructed some offensive and inflammatory posts on Instagram expressing his displeasure with then-recent moves by the president. More specifically, he used some less-than-civil language to deride both current politics and people whose views are different from B’s. When I discovered these posts I immediately hid B from my Instagram but haven’t blocked him yet since he is a family member anyway. I have not talked to him or his family members about his behavior but it was so shocking that every time I began even thinking or speaking about B I would feel nothing but shame to even call him my cousin. When last Christmas came around my parents and I didn’t want to go to a family gathering which was the only time to see A and B because we wanted to shield ourselves from possible political discussions arising from a statewide election where we live and controversial political moves. I am confused about where to even go with this relationship, as he goes from losing his head over politics to engage my dad more recently over my father’s musical interest over text, even though they’re not the same as B’s tastes.

Cousin A is someone who I feel much more comfortable around, but I am still annoyed with various things that A has done. A has a similar worldview and personality as B, but overall A is more civil and much less in your face about sharing controversial tastes or beliefs. A is actually one of my favorite cousins from my dad’s side of the family, as he helped me grieve during the loss of my uncle and has been generous with gifts in the past. He gave me a nice banner with a cool quote that I still have on display and recently mailed me a vinyl album by the great soul musician Sam Cooke. When I was going through a transitional phase, A has been one of my go to people to reconnect with and we frequently chat with each other over similar tastes in sports, music and movies. However I cooled my jets with A at the time A’s wife was expecting twins. My father was going to mail some gifts for the newborns but complained about how he rarely gets a “Thank You” from A for receiving gifts. I was in shock since we’ve always given A and his family gifts at the holidays and plenty of fun things for his 4 children. I recently discovered that a long time ago when we were in A and B’s town celebrating my birthday their family was also in town to participate in A’s firstborn’s christening. When we stuck with our original plans to go to a long-booked concert and see other family members, A and his wife were resentful, even though we made these plans farther in advance than any of the plans A & B made. My father “jokes” around saying that ever since then A’s wife does not like me or my family ever since that riff between our plans and A’s plans, which leaves me confused and upset because I thought A and his wife loved me as one of their family, and they along with A’s mother have even said that A and his family love and care for me. But at the same time I feel like I’ve been lied to. How do I even know what A and his family even think of me?

This is not an excuse to criticize A or B and their families or their preferences but I feel nothing but frustrated with them and confused over their intentions. I only live 90 minutes away from them and we usually see them at least once a year. I am often in their hometown whether or not I see them. So these circumstances leave me in an awkward mess.

Surely trying to avoid a B&W take on this they are not entirely toxic but I am worried about if they possibly have toxic tendencies that require further development with a deeper relationship with A&B. Any toxicity here with these family members? Should I close my relationship with A&B or continue albeit lots of boundaries?