Yes, this was the pattern with my friend. It sounds odd to say I did not recognize the pattern...but for a long time I didn't know about covert narcissism. My friend initially always shows up as loving but then the jabs start. I would think, "Wow, that was rude," but I would attribute it to stress in her life, etc. I didn't see that the rudeness was actually a consistent aspect in her relating to me.

It was only after I became more educated about narcissism, and more observant about my friend that I noticed certain patterns. They include, 1) She never apologizes. Ever. 2) She says things that are actually shockingly rude, and that I would not take from someone else. 3) It's always about her drama. 4) She zones in on my weaknesses.

When I told her recently that I was tired of her always zoning in on my weaknesses but never my accomplishments she sent a nasty email saying that she "always" supports my projects, and I must be "mental" if I don't realize that.

This was the big Ahah moment for me. This was a case of gaslighting, pure and simple. Saying that I didn't remember something that didn't happen. I know she never asks about my work because it has hurt my feelings that she doesn't yet always harps on my weak areas. I have wondered if it was due to jealousy on her part. Not jealousy of my success, but jealousy that I always have projects going on. I am always involved with self-development and career development.

I am presently working on a big freelance writing project. She has never once asked, "How's the writing going," or "How's the project going?" - which is the same as asking someone how their job is going.

She always "hoovers" back...saying we may have "differences of opinion" but that she loves me blah, blah, blah. Okay, Tisha, this is HOOVERING as a way of life for her. She wants me in her life as her "oldest friend" but all the quality in the friendship has faded.I am just a "thing" -- maybe she can use the "oldest friend" thing to impress others. IDK. I really don't know. Maybe she collects people as sources of narcissistic supply. She has a huge extended family and zones in on this one and that one...but actually has very few real life friends. She mostly stays in the bubble of her family. Having said this, I will add, she has already cut off two family members. Ruthlessly cut them out of her life. Probably because they confronted her.

Finally, we don't think of "love bombing" as something that can happen with our female friends, but it does. This friend has impeccable taste and will send me beautiful cards and expensive gifts. This will be followed by a really crappy gift...something that looked liked she dragged it out of the back of a closet when cleaning. Then...followed by another beautiful gift. Very inconsistent... I have read that narcissists will do anything to keep us offguard.

It's sooooooooooooooooo complicated. We need to forgive ourselves for not seeing the patterns. The sad truth is that narcissists never, never, never change. I am probably re-enacting the same struggles I had with my father, who was a malignant narcissist. He was extraordinarily charming and successful...but behind closed doors a real sociopath. He's dead now but I just found out my nephew is having a boy baby and naming it after my father. This is insane. He never even knew my father...but such is my father's legacy in the family that family members are still sucking up to him. I would like to write my brother and say, "Why the hell is your son naming his firstborn after our b------ father? It is chilling to think that from his grave my father is still manipulating. He was a terrible father and a terrible grandfather. I guess no one told my nephew that.


This just goes to show you the nature of the beast. If we have been damaged by a parental narcissist...we go on and on attracting the same situation in order to make things right. It is really difficult to confront all this psycho junk. But I CAN see where it plays out. If one of our parents is/was a narcissist than invariably other narcissists will sneak into our life as well. But we need to remember...a vampire cannot cross our threshold...unless we give them permission. So No Contact is that barrier at the threshold.

I allow people who are emotionally unavailable and abusive into my life. Well, not anymore...but this is a very old friend. I am really still reeling with shock at all I hid from myself. Mental health requires that everything be out in the open with light shed on it.

This is a healing journey. It's good to have support.