My T text me this morning and said he has a cold and sore throat, he can still see me but wanted to forewarn me in case I would rather Skype. I text him back that I'm happy to come see him.

I arrived and said "I have a present for you" and handed him an individually-wrapped lemon, ginger and honey teabag which I had taken from a box in my kitchen. He said thanks and I said it's good for a cold.

I told him I wanted to talk about why we have ruptures around breaks, because we haven't so far even though we committed to doing so before he next goes away (late June).

He asked do we talk about my feelings about it, or what we need to put in place. I said my feelings because, as he had said before, we cant know what to put in place if we don't know the feelings.
I said I often get angry with him around the time we have a break, except at Christmas. I thought maybe that's because he doesn't choose when Christmas is, and also, I'm busy and out of routine too so it feels more of a mutual break.
Last year he went away for 3 weeks and I don't know where he went. In my head I imagined he had gone to America. Just because I liked having somewhere I imagined he was. But I never told him that. Today, I accidentally let slip "last year when you were in America". I felt embarrassed, like I'd revealed something I hadn't meant to.

T said he was curious about it, and about the fact I never ask him where he's going. I said the idea of asking him and him not telling me, or looking awkward or hesitant about telling me is horrible to think about, so I am protecting myself against that I think. I said I think "if he wanted me to know he would tell me.". T said from his side, he didn't want to tell me unless I asked, because he didn't want to tell me something that I didnt want to know. It's like we have been dancing around this boundary all these years without talking about it. I said "I can't believe it's the first time we're having this conversation". He said, so the question is, do you want to know? I said it would have been really helpful to me to know where he had gone last year, and we talked about my need to place him somewhere in the world (object permanence).
I said "I know where you are going next month though because you told me months ago. You are going to x for y". He said yes. I said I don't forget. He said if you think at any point it would be helpful to know whereabouts in x, he is happy to tell me. I feel like I have permission to ask him in future which is what I needed.
We talked about dependency and my hypervigilance to the idea he doesn't want me to be dependent. He said he thinks that is due to, as a child, knowing on some level that my mother didn't want me to depend upon her.
I told him a bit about someone I've been chatting with and my concerns about whether my feelings are purely platonic. I said it makes me appreciate my relationship with T where I dont have to worry about what feelings I have or express, because he is safe and the relationship has reliable boundaries.
We were coming to the end, we stood up. I said "I'm fine with hugging you" we hugged and he said "I'm glad you told me that" I said "I thought you might wonder".
At the point we often release the hug, I felt his hand on my back firmly and I squeezed him tighter again for a couple more seconds.
We let go, he said "thanks for the tea" and we walked to the door. I said "take care of yourself" he said "I will, thanks". I said seeya and left. The very beautiful cat that lives on his street was round the corner.

I left feeling that whatever that empty feeling is that I often carry around with me, the tank is on 'full'. At least for now.