Hi cottoncandy

Sorry for getting to you last, I guess I replied these in a mixed up order. No, I'm not afraid of a misdiagnosis. I've gone through extensive written and verbal tests that took several hours, very draining and this with PTSD was what resulted from the testing. I was very upfront with my symptoms at the time. That was done at a psychiatric center and not with my current pdoc.

I *was* hiding my hypomanic episodes from her because lately they have been in the form of euphoria. Why would I want to give that up? That is the ONLY time that I ever feel good. Doom and gloom is my usual state. My hypomanic episodes can also manifest as hostility and irritability. They're not so fun and I could do without and I know my family would be very happy to see them gone. BUT the euphoria??? NO WAY, I'm keeping that. My feelings were that if I was honest with my pdoc and tell her, then she would decrease my ADs in order to decrease the chance of me going hypomanic. Unfortunately, my little scheme did not work today. She knew right away I was hypomanic. Surprisingly, she made no adjustments to my meds and gave me coping strategies to handle the hostility, anger, irritability hypomanic episodes that I get very frequently. She didn't make much comment in regards to my euphoric hypomania which I am currently experiencing. I was happy with the outcome and she now knows the truth. My mom also discovered that I was hypomanic today too when I went to see her. I usually try to hide it from family too because they know how reckless I can be while in this state and I don't like to worry them. Am I afraid of getting better? This is a life sentence sweetie, ain't no such thing as getting better, only maybe managing it better. I think therapy will help with that too. I think I answered all your questions.

I have been reading a lot of your posts of your own experiences and I personally think that you need to take your mood stabilizer every day. I forget which one you have, sorry, bad memory!!! Brain's been fried. I think you would soon find that you would start to feel a lot better if you did. You could still cycle but the intensity of each episode, would probably be less. Why are you afraid to take it? Also, I don't think it is doing you much good to take it sporadically. They usually take a few weeks to even work and you will probably even have to increase the dosage before you notice any difference. You obviously get very low when you crash, I really think the mood stabilizer would be a very good idea for you. Maybe think about increasing the dosage on your AD as well. Don't be afraid of your diagnosis. It is what it is. The big thing that I personally had to come to terms with is that this is it for the rest of my life but it doesn't necessarily mean that I can't *feel* better. With the right meds and therapy, you can come to some degree of feeling better than you probably do right now. JMHO FWIW!!!

I've been very concerned about you when I read your posts. Are you taking anything for the psychosis? From what I recall reading, I think you have not told your pdoc about that either???? Maybe I don't recall properly, wouldn't surprise me if I'm the one that is wrong. Don't follow what I do by keeping secrets of my hypomania, anyway, she knows now, I couldn't hide it today. DAMN!!! It's only in your best interest of helping you to feel the best that you can by being totally honest with your pdoc about all the things that you are experiencing. I really worry about you and everything that you're going through. I hope that you continue to post about what is going on with you. I think it helps to talk and get some of it out where people can listen, understand and give you loving support. I hope that I have not upset you with anything I have said. It's advice given with loving care and yes, I very much care about you. Keep talking sweetie.

{{{{{{{{{cottoncandy}}}}}}}}}