I've been following this thread because I just came back on to PC for a day and wanted to check in on how you were doing. I have been following your story for a long time. I read part of this thread and then had to go out and I thought about you a lot while out. We are probably around the same age give or take a few years. I am divorced and live alone. I am not in a relationship. Frankly I could not do what you are doing. I mean I could do it if I had been married to a guy for 30 years...but someone I met much later in life? No, I couldn't do it.

What would I do? I guess I would bail. It's ruthless. Well, it's a moot point. I don't date and I have no interest. I had one last wild fling with someone much younger (so, a lot of sex) and that was it.

To me you sound severely, severely, severely depressed. I am pretty depressed myself but for different reasons, mostly financial.

You try to control your moods with meds but they only work for a few hours. You are always exhausted.

Also, and you know this, you aren't getting the respect you deserve for what you are doing. Frankly I don't know why you stay. I do know about being far from home. I am kind of in exile. But I have been away too long and would never be able to fit into the socially backward town where I was born. I thought about returning but frankly, I think exile suits me better.

I think you are exhausted, bored (I mean what you are doing is tedious) and frustrated. You are angry, too, I think. Sad. And just insanely depressed. And so so so so so isolated. You don't have family nearby. He doesn't either, it appears. That is such a tough situation. Why has all this fallen on your head? This is just why I am not interested in dating. Even if someone was healthy now...it could turn on a dime. Heart attack. Stroke. Etc. No thanks. I am not interested in being someone's lover for two years then his caretaker for ten. I think this is exactly why Jane Fonda walked out on that nice man she was with when he got Parkinson's. She didn't want that life. She knew herself.


I think you are staying in the situation because you feel it is the right thing to do. Well, you are a better person than I am as I am sure I would have walked away long ago.

What to do? Well, I know depression and it has had a similar affect on me. I sleep. I let things get messy. But I feel much better when I make lists and do things. I mean, like you, I used to be almost OCD about cleaning. Now I let things get messy. When you described your apartment I had to laugh. You could have been describing mine! I have clean laundry in piles not put away. Paperwork strewn about. Dishes piled up in the sink. I mean it isn't like those horrible houses you see on reality TV...but for me it is way, way below my standards.


Just so you know I think this happens to a lot of people our age. A lot of people struggle. Not all. But a lot. I struggle with social isolation. It's a terrible situation. But when I think of you...you are with someone...yet terribly isolated. I mean the guy should be paying you for your time, boyfriend or not. You aren't married. He is getting round-the-clock care from you. You should be getting compensated. It's seems terribly unfair and imbalanced. But I think a lot of people are in your situation. I think maybe people consider divorce...then one gets sick...and the other gets stuck.


Thinking about you has me thinking about myself. I think I am going to start keeping lists and getting things done. And also start doing extra things like exercise, even if just walking. More moving around. Going out. Planning. For the future. My future. My projects. Like language study. Writing. Part-time work. Moving to a more suitable apartment. Just improving my life.


I hope you will see that you need to take care of yourself for your future. You can't allow yourself to be totally used up. You are an intelligent woman, with potential for a much more expansive life than you are now living. This is just a chapter. Or maybe a book, haha, but it will end.

I feel badly this person you are caring for does not show you more respect. But a lot of ill men are like that. My father was awful. My sister (a nurse) and I catered to his every need and my father was just awful. Never appreciative, grateful, or thankful. Just always with an overblown sense of entitlement. I got to move as my then husband found an out-of-state job. My sister stayed and got very bitter and eventually she abandoned my father, which, frankly, he well deserved. And...I might add...he didn't care who he was bossing around...a daughter, a relative, or paid help. He just abused everyone.

I am not saying your guy is abusive...but the situation itself is harsh and abusive.

My heart breaks for you.

And I want to improve my own life. I am pretty depressed myself but I don't like the way I am living. I need to change. I am not taking any medications. I constantly crave something that will change my mood but I don't drink and don't take any medications. So my mood only gets changed by sleep...which, frankly, I adore. I have no problem sleeping. I love it. I take care not to sleep over 8.5 hours. But when I sleep I sleep deeply. It's like medicine for me.

I think I am going to start going to my local recreation center. I love to swim. I love the suana. These things would help my mood, I am sure.

Best of luck. It seems like a lot of people here on Psych Central care about you. You have a certain something. You are special. I have always got that vibe from you. All around you are a better person than me because I couldn't do what you are doing. That guy doesn't know how lucky he is to have you in his life.