Im drunk now. its the best thing to cope with everything. and wednesdays are the best time to get drunk, so that i have more time to enjoy it.

today went ok at work (work is still in the background), except i was annoyed with P. not because of anything he said or did, but just because of me. because i didnt knok how to deal with the next step i took by asking him for his phone number yesterday. i couldnt look at him and we barely exchanged a few words. its so weird now. i hope tomorrow will be different. my T said its happening because of my BPD and CSA. we talked a bit about it. she said i should blame my abuse but i said i blame myself or p instead. im not feeling any anger or hate for my abuser, i have already dealt with that a long time ago. i also mentioned a few things but just to dely the real issue that was my feelings for P.

in chronological order: my dad told me the operators did their job at my flat and i'll have to pay for it . then i went at the doc to get his referral, and then got to find something to send to my friend for her bday. lastly i went to T.

since i had a list, we talked first about the easier things. like a new thing for me: to stop a stranger to warn him he got a fine when i noticed it and he had not seen it. i would have liked someone to do that for me if i were in his shoes so mustered up my courage and spoke to a stranger.

then i told T about how many things i have/had to face this week outside of routine and how tired i am because of it.

i told her how i really dont know how to answer to jokes. i made her a few examples and the best thing she got to say was to smile and thats all.

i told her how i feel like crying and getting drunk everyday and how i avoid it by binge eating on chocolate but she seemed to think chocolate is better than vodka. im not so sure of that….

i told her i saw my ex friend on saunday and that i HATE seeing acquaitances by chance because if i had wanted to keep in touch i would have, otherwise its just a reminder of what a loser i am. i always lose comparison with everyone, so i prefer not to meet anyone i know by chance.

i also told her about my friend's new job and how i envy her. how comes i envy everyone for everything? imo, things were balanced while she didnt have a job but she had a good relationship. now things will be unbalanced, she will have everithing and i still will have nothing. nothing at all.

i also mentioned my brother's switch to full time and how my mom reacted to it but it was just a vent, she didnt say anything about that.

i mentioned how full of thing to remmeber i had and still have this week and how it stresses me even though i makes lists but its still hard and i couldnt wait to go home and get drunk. i told her about my online friend and that i got to buy her something for her bday, but i'll have to wait until next week to send it to her.

then finally we talked about P, something that i was clearly avoiding and she got that. i told her how i got his phone number yesterday and how it went (gave him a ride), and why i like him… the way he smiles and talks…. but also that this morning i was feeling akward around him, almost annoyed at him and i could barely look at him and we barely spoke to eachother. she brought up CSA (and my abuser's bday is this week and she doesnt like it that we're still in touch even if only y emails) and we talked some more about it. she said its still affecting me deeply with every man i get to know. i said i have already dealt with that crap and that its not a problem anymore but i had to admit that the relationship with that abuse has and is still conditioning all my relationships with men.

i'll say it here Mopey, because its what we talked about mostly during the session… i feel im only a huge disappointment to men because i hate kissing, i could well do without sex and i dont want to sleep (SLEEP) with another person in the same room. who would want someone like me? with these limitations, faults and so strong boundaries??? i'll either end up hurting them or they will hurt me some way or another. friendship is ok, but i have my doubts friendship between man and woman could be just that, for both parts.

in the end i told her why i cried so much at the Home annversary which was because i would have wanted to kill myself that last night so that i would have died in my Home. but i morally couldnt do that for 2 reasons: 1. i didnt want my parents to feel guilty (because they decided to move away) and 2. because i didnt want my parents to hate my Home because its exactly the opposite: i still want them to love it even if they chose to change it. the only detail i didnt reveal abut the Home anniversary's ritual is the music i play on repeat. its like a serial killer sign. i want to keep it for myself.

all in all the session went well. i had many things to talk about, mostly to get them out and try to start fresh tomorrow morning even thiugh im not sleeping well lately.

after T i went to get gas, i got drunk and came here, i cooked for tomorrow, i borrowed the phone charger to a neighbor and now im going to get a nice shower. afterwards i'll have dinner and then hopefully i'll get to have a good night sleep. i cant wait for the week to be over. only 2 days at work… maybe i can do it… after all...