T Monday. It was pouring rain as I drove to the session. When T retrieved me, I *thought* he said, "Is it a bit wet?" (referring to outside). Me: "Actually, very wet." T: "You're very wet?" Me (my brain jumping to the potential other meaning there): "What? I thought you asked about outside?" T: "No, I asked, 'Are you a bit wet?' and you said, 'Very wet.'" Me: "Oh, I misheard you then, I just meant the outside in general." One of those sort of...awkward beginnings. At least I was walking in front of him, so if my face turned red, he couldn't see it...

We sat down. T: "So how are you?" Me: "Well, I survived Mother's Day." T: "I can see that!" Me: "haha." T: "So you survived from both sides then, as mother and daughter?" I said yes and mentioned having dinner with my parents the day before, how it went OK. Talked about D being super cranky that morning, which was like "Happy Mother's Day to me!" T asked if she was at a point where she would adapt her actions to how someone was feeling. I said not really, that she might comment that I'm not feeling well, but didn't so much think "Oh it's Mother's Day, I should be nice." I said I wasn't sure if that was the autism or her age. T said at 8, it's common for kids to struggle with that, so maybe both.

I said how I'd felt really sad Saturday night but wasn't sure why. That I thought maybe part of it was that I'd just bought a Mother's Day card, and it can be hard because I see my mom differently now from being in therapy. That I used to get her really mushy ones, but have trouble with that now. And I ended up just getting a semi-generic daughter and son-in-law card.

T asked if I felt my mom was introspective at all, like did she examine herself. I thought for a minute and said I feel she examines other people, but not so much herself. T said he got the same impression. T: "I know I've mentioned this many times to you about her clearly having anxiety. But I'm not sure if you've really accepted it?" Me: "I don't know..." I started crying. Me: "I guess it's just, if she does have anxiety, then why isn't she more accepting and understanding of me?" He said she might not be aware of the anxiety in herself.

I said how for me, it helps me to talk about my own experiences with someone else who had shared them. I said I'd had lunch on Friday with the woman, K, I'd met in the online autism group, and it was just nice being able to talk to someone who had similar parenting experiences. T: "It can be really helpful to talk to someone who really understands, can't it?" Me: "Yeah. Like connecting over issues with having our kids figure out how to blow their noses. Though maybe most parents deal with that, I don't know." I was mentioning the lunch and said I almost called it a "session." T smiled: "A playdate?" Me: "Sure, we can go with that."

Me: "Oh, so something interesting: I saw K Friday and my friend J the Friday before. Normally, afterward, I'd be obsessing about the conversation, like, 'oh no, I forgot to ask her about x' or 'did I talk to much about y?' 'Will they not want to get together again?' But instead...I realized I was just thinking, 'That was good to see them.'" T gave a big smile: "That seems like a positive thing." Me: "Yeah, it was nice. And K said at the end that we should get together again soon." T: "That seems promising!" Me: "Yeah."

I said that Mother's Day also made me think of ex-T. How I thought about emailing her Happy Mother's Day, but wasn't sure if that would be weird. So I thought I could send her an update email because it had been almost a year. Me: "But the furthest I got on it was just the subject line, 'Update on how I'm doing.'" T: "That's a very succinct update!" Me: "Yes, I guess it's just, 'still exist!'" T asked what I wanted to tell her. I said I wasn't sure, how part of me wanted to say he was helping me, but I felt awkward about that. T: "Why?" Me: "Well...this might be a weird comparison. But it almost feels like if I was emailing an ex, who I'd dumped, saying how happy I was with who I'm dating now." T said that T's are generally happy that their clients are doing well, even with someone else.

Me: "I guess maybe I'm concerned she'd feel she'd failed me?" T: "You think she might feel that way?" Me: "I don't know. And I guess I still feel bad about how I left. Like, 'OK, going to see this other person, if nothing else, I'll be back to terminate.' Then I never went back." T: "Would you be emailing for you or for her?" Me: "That's what I'm not sure of. Maybe it's out of guilt? That's why I'm struggling with what to say." T said I could just send something brief. I said I could mention how D is doing. I said how in some ways I feel guilty that I don't miss her more. Me: "Like, there are no songs that I associate with her, like with ex-MC." (I didn't mentioned that I do have a few songs I associate with T.)

I went back to talking about feeling really sad Saturday night, like crying in my car on the way home from the grocery store. I said I'd thought about emailing T, but realized he wouldn't read it that night, so I'd wait to see how I felt in the morning, but even then, I'd be seeing him the next day, so may as well wait. He seemed impressed by that.

T: "So what do you think was going on? Was it something besides the Mother's Day thing?" Me: "Well, I was also listening to some music I associate with ex-MC. So it may have been about him. I feel like recently I've been missing certain things about him--is that maybe a sign that I'm in a different stage of grieving?" T: "Sounds like it could be." Me: "OK, good. And part of why I'm listening to the music is that...you know the band I saw when I wrote the email to him? I'm seeing them again next month in the same venue where I saw them that time." T: "I thought you'd seen them again already?" Me: "Yes, but in a different venue, with H. And I've been back to that venue to see a different band." T: "Just not the two combined?" Me: "Yeah, and I'll be alone this time. So it's like I'm trying to listen to the couple songs I associate with him that they usually play...so maybe I can get used to them and not get all emotional."

Me: "I had the thought...I wondered about playing one of the songs in here and talking about the emotions it brought up. But I wasn't sure. Because I mentioned something about playing a song in here before and you'd seemed uncertain." T: "Well, I wanted to figure out what you hoped to get from it. Would you hope I'd get the same feeling from the song?" Me: "I mean, I wouldn't expect you to have the same reaction to the song I did. Plus I know you're not into music. I'm not thinking 'this is the song that's going to convert you'!" T: "OK." Me: "Though I am kind of a music evangelist." T: "Yes, I got that sense about you."

Led to me discussing how important music (in general) is to me, which made me start crying. Me: "Ugh, why am I crying right now?" T: "Music obviously has a lot of meaning to you." Me: "yeah." I said maybe I needed to use it more. T talked about possibly playing an instrument, how some people find that a good emotional outlet. I said how H has a guitar and I always wanted to learn. He said seemed like a good option. And then he was talking about how making music, the rhythm can connect with the body's rhythms, about feeling it in one's body, something like that. That it can be meditative. I said going to live shows is kind of like that for me, being able to feel the bass in my body.

Went back to the idea playing a song (from my phone) for him in there thing. I said how it just felt like something I wanted to try. He said would fine as long as it wouldn't disrupt anyone. I said I wouldn't come in and play a drum kit or something. And that I wouldn't subject him to my singing, because then he might have to bill me a surcharge. T: "For pain and suffering?" Me: "Exactly."

I said I still felt a sense of reluctance from him. Kind of the same when I mentioned bringing in some photos to share (which I never did). Me: "Is it just that you want to know what I want to get out of it?" T: "Yes, to know your expectations. How you expect me to react. So that you don't end up disappointed if I don't react a certain way. Plus if you played a song for me, I'd feel really awkward if you were just sitting there staring at me, waiting to see my reaction." Me: "I wouldn't stare at you. I could close my eyes if that would be easier." T: "Or stand in the corner. No, I'm just kidding about that." Me: "I could wait in the hallway." T: "I would just ask, if you want to play me something, to print out the lyrics. It can be difficult to understand singers sometimes." Me: "OK, though it's not just about the lyrics, but them mixed with the music. Again, I wouldn't expect you to have the reaction I do. I could print them though."

He was saying that if it was more about the lyrics and about what the song meant to me, then what did I feel was the benefit of playing it for him rather than just sharing the lyrics and discussing what it meant. Me: "I don't know...I just feel like I want to share it. Like...it's this inner part of me that maybe I can't express in some other way. It's a certain vulnerability, to share that. I think maybe i just want to see what it feels like?" T: "OK." I knew we had to stop, and T picked up his phone to schedule.

Confirmed Thursday. T: "You here next week?" Me: "Yes, I'm here. Are you here?" T: "I'm here." Me: "OK then." Scheduled usual times. Went over and paid. Shaking hands. T: "Good luck out there." Me: "Thanks, I'll do my best to stay dry." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."