Hello GSC2019

sorry you are struggling. Sounds like you shared with your wife and are seeking therapy. That sounds like a wise way to start letting the anxiety go so you can heal and move forward.

Back when I did therapy, my psychologist and I were discussing anxiety and how it can get out of control. For example, I have a dreaded fear of driving a car but to many that probably sounds ridiculous, right? Anyway, the psychologist told me she was working with another client who was overwhelmed by anxiety that she would harm children. She did not mention if this was a fear of sexually harming them or physically or emotionally. Anyway, the client was a woman and had never hurt a child and didn't want to but apparently that's how her anxiety presented. To me, as a non-expert, that sounds like a type of phobia....I wonder if that's what you are struggling with. Does that make any sense to you? I'm terrified of driving a car in case I hurt someone and you are terrified of harming your child. I read a post on PC where someone had a desperate fear of being imprisoned even though they have not committed a crime. It's as though when anxiety gets out of control the brain comes up with the very worst thing to fear (different for each person) and then fixates on it until the person can find ways to manage the anxiety.

You mentioned a rough upbringing and not having planned to become a parent. To me, that right there could explain a lot of parental anxiety and doubts.

I say definitely keep sharing with your therapist and wife. Avoid any situations with your son which may particularly trigger the fear and anxiety such as bath time...perhaps your wife can take over there?

I'm not a psychologist or a doctor so best I can do is offer ideas and wish you well. One thing I do know about thoughts is as soon as you start trying to stop them, you get flooded by them. When my depression is getting bad as soon as I tell myself "i really hope I don't start thinking about ending my life" then all those thoughts pop up - too late!

Peace and good health to you, your wife, and your son!