Yes. I understand. Sorry again if it seemed I was over-stepping or off-track. Your original post conveyed very clearly the level of pain you have with regard to these thoughts. i just really wanted to help but sometimes I get it wrong! May I ask what makes you feel happy or relaxed? Is that something you can share or increase the frequency of with your wife and son? For me, I get closer to nature when I am really depressed or scared. Camping. Hiking. A walk around the lake. I have this sense that nature guides me back to center. So I am wondering if a nice picnic outdoors with wife and son or out on a boat or something could help to center you....particularly on a day when your thoughts are really troubling you? Sitting with your boy, watching the waves or listening to wind blow through the trees....letting nature remind you that all is well.