I'm not sure. I think it felt a bit like rejection, how I'd mentioned it a couple times in the past (along with the showing him pictures thing). And I guess I just needed to know why. Like why not just say, "Sure, if it's something you want to do." I appreciate that he's trying to avoid having me do something with certain expectations, then being let down by his reaction or just from the experience as a whole not leading to what I'd hoped to get out of it.

I think the issue is, in discussing it so much (over a few sessions, one being months ago), now it almost feels like a bigger thing. Like if the first time I mentioned it, he was like, "Sure go ahead," then I probably would have done it, and then it would have turned out however it did, I likely would have just moved forward (maybe played something again, maybe not).

But I know he's trying to be careful and responsible and a good T. Yet there's this element of, I want to express myself, and it seems like he's saying, "eh, maybe?" instead of go for it. (I mean, of course there are forms of self-expression that *wouldn't* be ok, like if I wanted to take my clothes off or destroy his office or something.) So I have to wonder if this is tapping into something else in me, like from childhood maybe? Like when my parents wouldn't let me express myself a certain way? (Well, my mom always refused to buy me a guitar, for one. And said I had too much music, so if I bought a tape or CD--with my own money--I'd often sneak it into the house. So maybe this is tied into that in some way? I'm still contemplating playing something (fairly short, maybe a pretty straightforward song) at the start of session tomorrow, and if it feels too weird after a minute, I could turn it off. Or if he is just sorta like "Uh, OK." And the discussion doesn't go anywhere, we'd have plenty of time to discuss something else...