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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
For some reason, and my parallel may be completely off, your T's response to being asked to listen to a song with you, reminds me of conversations I've had with a friend or two when they asked me to accompany them to a very intimate medical procedure. I wanted to help in the best way possible, so I asked a bunch of question like "do you want me to come into the examination room with you or wait in the waiting room?" Do you want me to stand by your head? Do you want me to hold your hand? Do you have questions for the doctor you want me to be sure the doctor hears? And so on. I think when the other partner in the relationship wants to help in an awkward and/or new territory, understanding what you need and what you want from them is pretty essential. I tend to run with the theory that most of therapy is relational, where we show the T what kind of partner we are and they show us what kind of effect we have on them. Although I understand you feel rejected, is this really an accurate interpretation of what this interaction really was?
I'm not sure that desiring to share your inner world through a song is very interactional, though. It seems kind of imposing something on someone without being willing to hear his feelings about it. There are times and places for sharing one's inner world, but the recipient ought to have a voice in it. Expecting someone to receive information without being a part of understanding the meaning of it and how it will go seems unfair and one-sided, almost like he doesn't matter in the transaction.
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Interesting comparison with the medical procedure.
For the second part, I guess part of why I'm sharing it in session is so that we can talk about it, so that I can talk about why it has meaning for me. I'm not just going to play it, then switch to a completely different topic. I guess I don't see this as being so different from, say, my telling him about a dream I had. Where things/symbols may mean something to me, but it's partly on me to explain what the elements mean to me. Or even, say, a childhood memory that's really significant in my head but might seem really random to someone else. Like, "Why does she remember that, above all other memories?" I share something, it opens up a dialogue. If it goes nowhere, we move on.
I partly thought it would help me get in touch with some stuff about ex-MC that I can't quite seem to reach--particularly the more positive memories, which T has said is part of what should come out when i'm further along in the grieving process (to be able to hold onto positive memories along with the sadness). Because some of these songs, I associate with leaving session with him (ex-MC) and feeling all warm and fuzzy. I was starting to connect with some of those feelings the other night, I think, when I was listening to the music. Then there are some I associate more with sadness, with wanting more than I could have with him (I was only planning to play one at this time). So like I'd play something then talk about why it means something to me. Maybe it makes no sense to him, and that's OK. It's trying to tap into other places in my brain, see what comes out.