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My mother told me you’ve decided to refer me evening hospital. A three month wait doesn’t sound all too promising, not too certain how I’ll be then. I’m not hopeful. I should get out of bed. I should pursue more work. I should pursue more play. I should pursue life, but I’m not and I no explanation would suffice. I would pursue death if it wouldn’t shatter my mother, my father, but it’s not an option, only this living death. I need something now, not three months from now. I’m falling apart and I’m not sure what will be left by then. I wish I was providing that something to myself, but I seem to have lost the motivation to do so. I don’t know if it’s possible to take part in a partial hospitalization program earlier, but if it is, I’ll consent to it.

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I just sent this to my psychiatrist. I'm not sure how he'll respond. I probably should read it to his voicemail rather than just email, my voice would probable express something and he's not diligent at checking email.