So, luckily the rest of the day at work went ok. time went by so slowly and i was very tired and bored but as anything in the world, it passed. it did. as always lately, work still plays as a background in my mind. i dont really know where my mind wanders but working this way is so much easier. even though at some point i really would have wanted to get drunk or take pills. i was really really tempted.

with P it went ok. right now its like im torn between wanting to get to know him better (and afraid of disappointments on both sides) and wanting more distance between us, even if the "closeness" is only in my mind. maybe tomorrow we'll go out for lunch together. P, my girl colleague (E, who offered me the weed) and me. maybe. im not sure because i really like having 2 hours of lunch break alone. where i dont have to talk with anyone or listen to anyone. i dont know, i guess i'll decide tomorrow.

as for saturday and weed, im still a bit hesitant. i want it very much but it would change my routine. i'll have to see and talk with E and im not so sure i want that. i hope she'll still invite me tomorrow, and then i'll have to decide what to do. i wish i could talk about this with my T. i know its small stuff, but its big for me.

today the new neighbors (?) are less loud than yesterday even though i saw a kid coming at the flat with the other 3 persons. (another kid next to my bedroom??? !). i hope they'll continue being quiet and will leave like yesterday at 9.30pm or sooner. i was very tense yesterday night while i was in bed waiting for them to finally leave and stop talking so loudly. i was hoping for very quiet new neighbors but i doubt this will happen

… mmmh… im doing better with food and chocolate but only because i have run out of it and im too lazy (or willingly lazy) to go get my chocolate. im also doing better with the tick bite and the other issues.

tomorrow is my abuser's bday. i'll email him my wishes hoping to get an answer so that i know he's still alive and doing well enough to be able to answer to emails. i wouldnt want to see him in person (fear of seeing him older and of his judgement on my look/life/etc.), but im glad if we keep in touch every now and then. he always remembers my bday and sends me wishes. i hope he's ok and will answer me.

tomorrow is also my last day at work for the week. my friend will be taking an exam to end the course she attended to and then we'll meet at night. i cant wait for tomorrow night. finally free. even though i should look around and see if i can find anything to get to my parents for their wedding anniversary on sunday and for my brother's bday on wednesday (but i have more time for that). we'll see. now i just hope for a good night sleep.

thanks anyone for reading