I am a Rock was my theme song for many years - I wrote it in my journal for my T many times. I, too, learned not to feel, to lock myself down. Now, I am trying to learn to let go of all of that buildup of emotion in order to save myself. It is hard work. I have made only a little progress with it. I hurt for you, for what you suffered. I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. Your words here on the forum have been beneficial to all of us. You are loved here , you are cared for here, you are special for your insights and for all your assistance with all of us. Thank you for being you.