I can relate to both, toomanycats. I think things manifest differently for all of us. For me, since I learned so early on how to shut off emotions/body sensations...it takes an illness, injury or pain to "wake me up." I personally believe the body holds on to stuff...impressions of our past, experiences that are held in a different part, and this seemingly "nonsensical" range of emotions are actually connected to the whole.

I have different body postures and mannerisms that will come out...and it has all been a bit of a jumbled mess of learning and discovery for me. Some medical professionals can "see" I am in pain, but I don't acknowledge it or even realize it. I don't "feel" the way I am standing, or sitting that contributes to the situation. Other times I can balance my checkbook and be very clear about math. Then later I will blankly stare at a simple number or addition and freak out, completely blank, like I have never known math in my life. Sometimes I think I look one way, and feel one way, but observers who have seen me (in other ways) complain that they miss the "old" FearLess. Or whatever.

So I guess what I am saying is...I am just now starting to understand why I have felt so splintered all my life. And that includes splintering from emotions, bodily sensations, posture. In order to save my physical self, I am having to "unlearn" the fundamentals of how I move, and relearn about where I "should be" in space. At the same time, I can articulate things...but I don't exactly feel them as coming from me. I call it, feeling "fluffy." Like there is a barrier, between inner me, the me who is speaking, and the rest of the world. It's weird.

I will look forward to hearing about how others here describe some of this.

But, I relate! And I think it is helpful for us to put some words to this stuff.


FearLess47