Trigger warning for anger/frustration, bad language. And ranting... total rant...

Part of me wants to start a new thread and part of me is saying F that I just want the couchies (and couchie lurkers). I am in such a F that mood. T stirred up all sorts of attachment stuff last session and I am waiting to see if he will respond to my email... if he doesn’t by 9:30ish tonight it is unlikely he will and I will have to wait until Monday. He will get an email after Pdoc tomorrow either way though. But, in the moment I just want to light cuss bombs and throw them about in a great circle and pull the pins on cuss granades and just put on a cuss storm that out rumbles the current thunderstorm shamefully back to the north.
Why? Because T. Because former Fing T’s.... Because T.
Someone mentioned a book or video on here some time back... after the “end” of last session I brought up the forum and the good, bad and crazy that can be found here and I mentioned that someone here mentioned some big pop psychology book on here and T turned his back... I knew what was coming... I didn’t remember the author, the title, if it was a book or a video... just that someone had mentioned it and T turned around... it was like T suddenly saw the post I was talking about and in turning around so as not to face me mentioned a name... yes, that was the name.... well... crap on a cracker... now hearing him SAY the name it clicked that he had also brought up that name a week or two before when I said it would be much easier to read about this crap and learn to do it than practice with him. Yes, it was the same name he had said then... I said at the time that I bring everything to academics to make it safe and then try it out... reading a book seemed like no more of taking a risk to be present to him than sending an email rather than talking face to face... he didn’t defend himself... now someone here had his back... and he could not, would not turn to look at me as he muttered about it being mostly good stuff, at least the books he had read... back to throwing cuss bombs.
I am like 4 pages in and it is totally me and it is totally struggling with what he identifies as core reasons why people are not whole regardless of how they got there... my way of getting there was just more dramatic and messy... more cuss bombs... lets just light up the field across from me with cuss bombs that put the fireworks on the 4th of July to shame. If only each dramatic bolt of lightning and rumble of thunder resounded in a ginormous F! I would feel gratified that God had heard my inadequacy in the human ability to cuss and was sending the storm to be my voice...
Every other T I have worked with has left me feeling bad, broken, more hurt, helpless, incapable of healing... a bad client, a too damaged client, a too much client, a defiant client, a lazy client....
Now I am 4 pages in and realizing that for current T I am exactly who he wants to be supporting. I am exactly why he still does this. I am exactly the client he needs me to be and I will continue to be the client he wants me to be. Cue lightning.... CUE LIGHTNING... awe heck... more cuss bombs... clients like me are WHY he shows up to his office every day. Clients like me are what bring joy and purpose to his work no matter how messy we get. I am exactly the client he can help become whole.
He doesn’t know I listened. He doesn’t know I got the D* book or that I’m reading it... he does know I have been living it, engaging it, since 2 minutes into session 2... he went easy session one and did “normal” T crap... sympathy, active listening, head nods... him in his chair, unreachable... me on the couch uncomfortable... but session two... session two he threw me right into the middle of this. And held me up gently with his words when I froze. Every session since he has invited me to engage and being the creature of habit that I am now I would feel awkward if I didn’t engage the ritual but either way I still engage the goal.
I want to drive down to his Fing office and bear hug him until he starts coughing... but I am pretty sure his abs are stronger than my arms... and there is the technical difficulty of not being invited and the security system. If he is going to pull this crap I just want him to hold me super tight, super secure for a minute and tell me “yes, I heard you and we are doing this. You are going to be whole again”.
Part of me wants to wrap it in my weighted lap pad that reminds me of his office and throw the D* book dramatically on the floor between us next session when he asks about my feelings over the past week. Part of me wants to copy and email this to him because I am pretty sure he would get a good laugh... but part of me would want to see him laughing.

Ok, end rant. Thanks Couchies... need tea and good chocolate now...