Thank you Mopey for letting me know, it was kind of you to not let me wonder if i did or say someting wrong that may have pushed you away. i had just written my answer but it got deleted . i hope you'll get to fix your problems with PC soon.

so yestreday night it was hard since the dog that lives 2 floors above mine started barking since i went to bed and until 12 am. it was stressing but i was also a bit concerned that he may be trying to ask for help for his human friend, but i couldnt move a muscle so i let that go. i dont know anyone in my condo anyway.

today at work was hard. i was tired, sleepy, bored and i could cope, so i went back to old habits and took a handful of pills that made me feel as if i were drunk but i werent, and it helped a bit.

My colleague E didnt show up so im a bit upset because we probably wont meet tomorrow to smoke weed. i hope sooner or later we'll make it. we should also have gone to lunch out together with P but since our lunch breaks werent at the same time, we gave that up. if im not wrong it seemed to me to see he was a bit disappointed about it. but i didnt care much because i do prefer coming home with nobody around. nobody to talk to or to listen to.

this morning i remembered to wish my abuser a happy bday and i hope he'll answer. i also remmebered to wish good luck to my friend for her exam and then tonight we're going to meet for dinner and meanwhile i hope to find a small gift for my parents' anniversary on sunday. but what i reall want and hope for is that working will pass quikly and smoothly and that tonight arrives soon.

back to Home anniversary and why i didnt kill ,myself that night, i must recognize that 1 event was worth living a bit longer. i had sex. its not something i enjoy much and i almost never feel like doing it but at least i didnt die not knowing what it was about. all the rest is insignificant even though getting a job and a home add value to my life, its not a reason to live and not a reason good enough for having lived through these years. or live further.