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seesaw · May 17, 2019 at 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iloivar

It's not uncommon for me to come across people that give tough love to those they are trying to help.

I just want to know the communities thoughts on tough love. First of all, I wonder if such an approach is actually allowed here, since my intuition is that it's probably not considered supportive on here. More importantly though, does it work? Im sure there are many that think it has worked for them, many believe the opposite as well. What im curious about is, whether it might just work and actually be the best approach for different personalities, circumstances and such, or if the people that were recipients of this type of help just found value in it, but would have fared better with a different and objectively superior approach.

I wonder if there's been any studies on this.

Also, feel free to share your personal experience with this.

Lastly, this is not ment to be a personal attack on those who use this type of approach. As it is usually seems to be done with good intent. Im merely questioning the efficacy of the method itself.

I think if you search the forums for this phrase, or "constructive criticism" you will see this topic has come up quite a few times.

I'm not sure I really understand what the definition of "tough love" really is, as I've heard it described in a variety of ways. But what I will say is that feedback that introduces an opposing viewpoint or a new perspective can be very helpful; however, it must be delivered with sensitivity and at the right time. I also think that many times people just think they are contributing to discussion, have no tough love or ill will intended at all, but due to the state of mind of the OP, a harsh response is given to the suspected "tough love."

I think we all just have to accept that sometimes, due to the nature of this public forum, we will hear things we don't want to hear. It's for us to discern what is useful or not useful, thank all for their time in responding, and move on. This is an exercise for many of us, myself included, in not reading into things. I know I have, in the past, read into things due to my fragile state of mind at the time. Looking back, I was kind of like, "what was I so upset about?" Now I try to just scroll past anything that starts to upset me, either read it later or just hit the thanks button and don't respond.

On the other hand, I have seen times where someone insists on being helpful and invades another's boundaries in their attempt to be helpful. I know I try to gauge whether the OP is wanting to hear suggestions in whatever vein that is, but I think sometimes I don't always consider the context of where they are at. I think it's helpful if we all consider context before responding.

I guess I'd need to understand what you mean by "tough love" to be more specific in my response. I think it's fine to offer a dissenting perspective or opposing perspective if it's done with sensitivity and kindness. I think often tough love, whatever it is, is done in a far too blunt manner, even rude and cruel.

So...I suppose that was entirely unhelpful.