trigger warning for mentions of suicidal ideation and some self harm stuff, the more specific/triggering SH stuff is hidden in a trigger warning

We talked about how I felt about him being gone last week

Tuesday I'd kind of given him an update on the situation that he'd missed: I'd been working with my pdoc to try to tweak my meds because I was having low motivation difficulty getting up kind of depression. He'd upped my lamictal and it didn't help and maybe made things worse, he upped it again and a few days later, when my T was gone, I got super fun suicidal ideation. Which I do not normally have at all, and haven't since I did the course of ketamine treatments more than a year ago, before I started seeing my T.
I'd immediately called my pdoc and went back down on the lamictal and started on lithium and it seems to be helping.
That all happened when my T was gone.

He asked me if I was angry and I wasn't. I finally admitted that, while I knew it was irrational and black and white thinking and whatever, it felt ****** that I wanted to kill myself and he wasn't there. That even though I knew I wasn't going to act on those thoughts, they were still really upsetting and not exactly something I can casually talk to friends about.
He says I'm not alone or whatever, but I was.

and we talked about the fact that I didn't SH that week. He'd said Tuesday that he knew I wouldn't, which bothered me. Because he was wrong to think he could predict that, there was a very real chance I was going to SH, he might have guessed right but that doesn't mean he was right to be fairly sure.
I told him I resented that it was easy for him to wish I wouldn't SH or be glad I didn't when he's not the one who has to experience how hard it is to not SH and how much that hurts.
At some point he said he'd never had the urge to SH. I kind of half jokingly asked "really? not even out of curiosity?" and he said no.
He asked me about how it hurts to not do it. I told him it meant feeling alone and lonely.
He asked me once again if I could hear his voice in my head during those times and imagine what he'd say. I told him I didn't because I couldn't let myself. That even if I tried to do neutral things they turned into cruel things. He said that was me switching over to my voice instead of his voice.

He said he asks about that because he wants me to be able to "take him with me" at those times when I'm feeling alone and stuck with my thoughts.
That was the first time he'd used that phrase.
I can't do that with just trying to imagine what he'd say, because my brain points out that I can't know, and then switches over to being cruel. And I remember that he's not actually there, tell myself he doesn't care, or whatever.
I've seen people post on here about having a transitional object and I think that would give me something to feel some of what I feel in session even when he's not there, to be able to access the feeling of him caring. I want something real, not just an idea.
But I absolutely cannot ask for that. I don't think it's the kind of thing he'd do. He might think it's stupid and that would be humiliating.