I haven't been here much lately but I did want to talk about my most recent/last session with T3.

Sadly, it was good. Probably the best session, emotionally I've ever had in therapy. Probably the first time I really felt heard in therapy. Yet, I can't see him regularly.
I found out that, he never did apply to be in my network, he was still waiting for paperwork and had not called them but rather emailed them and got no reply. It was rather frustrating to hear because all this time, I stuck around with him, waiting for something that wasn't even happening. He claims he will still call soon and try to get it sorted but I can't keep wasting time with him/this.

anyway.... we first talked about the stupid insurance and he told me all that. We both agreed insurance is dumb and frustrating though. (I had insurance issues with long term T too but he was kind enough to offer me a deal)

So he asked me how I'd been for the last month, was weird realizing how long since I have been to therapy and I didn't even care that it was that long. Very different feelings. I brought up how my dogs birthday was coming up soon, the dog I no longer have and how it would also soon be the 1 year of the rupture with T and I broke into tears. It was weird because he never asked anything about the rupture.

At this point I just flat out told him "I don't trust you" and he asked me why. I said "You remind me of him and I think you are gonna try to lure me into the therapy trap and then leave me" He asked me what ways he reminded me of him and I told him. Then I brought up the dreams where I was screaming at him and trying to push him into the wall. He was wondering how often these dreams were happening, I assured him, it was only after sessions. I also told him I'd never touch him and I'd never hurt anyone so it's just a dream and It was the anger I was having about T leaving me.

I can't remember much of what else happened after that but we briefly talked about my mom and some of the abuse I experienced growing up and how even to this day, I feel an obligation to take care of my siblings. He was saying stuff like how I need to be my own person and all that. I mean, I get that but just "doing it" isn't gonna happen after decades of things being this way.

Then he asked about my friends and I told him I recently had a game night with some and he asked me how often I put myself out there, we talked about how I can't stand myself and how I prefer to not be around people. Then I said something about how I was glad my closest real life friend lives in another state and he was confused and I said, "She'd get sick of me if she lived too close. Everyone does. I feel bad for people having to put up with me, I feel bad you have to put up with me but you get paid" He said that yes he gets paid but he was never in it for the money, this was a dream he had for most of his life to be a therapist and help people. (seemed too "Generic" of answer I don't believe it but whatever)

Through out most of this, I was in tears, I'd say at least half the session I was crying and well I've never done that before. I told him how I don't talk about T much because most people would never understand or they are too judgemental about it and it angers me. He asked how they are judgemental and I explained how constantly hearing "That's unethical" or "He shouldn't have done that" is annoying. I am not an idiot, I know those things but I want to be heard and just share my thoughts/feelings and process my loss without people acting like he should be in jail or something. He then went into explaining his comment from our first session where I emailed *****ing because I felt he was judging him and It was not ok. He said "When I said that it wasn't fair to you, it wasn't me judging you or judging him, it was me looking at you, sitting in front of me in tears, in pain and saying that it wasn't fair you have to deal with this alone" So I appreciated that. He also asked why I feel comments about him are things I take personally. I said, well, it's because I love him deeply. Like if you were to talk **** about my dog, I'd be deeply hurt or offended. He understood and told me "You can talk about any of it here, I am willing to let you just say what you need and not judge, I will be cautious of my comments"

So at some point, I was crying still (this man impresses me how he gets me so emotional and normally I'm a very guarded person) and I was talking about how I struggle still with trying to understand how someone can care about me but then leave me, did they really care or was it just a job? Something along those lines and to my surprise, he actually ASKED me if it was ok to give me feedback on this. I was like really impressed by that. I said yes and he went on to answer that in his mind.
It was a pretty generic answer but to his defense, I've shared very little T stuff with him. He doesn't know nearly as much as baby T did and even he didn't know alot.

Then I complained about his annoying clock, it ticks really loudly every second and is super distracting. He said a lot of people say that and I was like well get a new quiet one, geez.

We were winding down at this point and I said "Well, at least you can be happy you never have to see me again" and I realize how it probably sounded like I was gonna end my life and he was like "What do you mean?" I was like "Well with the insurance, I can't afford to see you and it will take too long, so it's like a blessing for you, to never have to deal with me again, even if you get paid" He didn't really comment directly on that but said something about trying to figure it out and looking into reduced rates or whatever and claiming to keep me posted. I really can't be bothered at this point. I mean if he hasn't even applied yet, it will be AT LEAST another month before anything happens.

So I am once again feeling screwed over by life, finding a T that really listens, gets emotions out of me and asks the perfect things to get me to open up and I can't even see him. It's why I have just decided at this point, it's better to suffer than play games with therapy.

I was really happy with it overall though, just a bummer. I left emotional too and was crying on and off for a few hours after. I could make some real progress with him, if only....