I had T today. I got there about ten minutes early. It’s always weird on Saturdays because there is no receptionist and no one in the waiting room. About five minutes after eleven, my T came and got me. She said I seemed serious today and asked me if I was serious. I said I didn’t know. She said she had to go to the restroom. So I went to her office and saw that notes were up on her computer. I don’t know if they were about me or about the last person. I was tempted to look but if they were about the last person I would feel bad. Plus I didn’t want to get caught. I just sat in the chair that swivels and looked at the art on the walls.
She came in and asked how I was. I don’t remember what I said. She asked me if I had cut. I said no. She said hot digity which I think is funny. She asked how long and I said 97 days. She said that’s a quarter of a year. I said I hadn’t thought of that.
I told her I had been close to cutting though. I had got out the gauze and everything but by the grace of God I hadn’t. We talked a lot about what cutting does for me. How it’s a release valve. How it’s important to let something out of me. I talked about how I gave blood two weeks ago. How that was getting something out of me too but how also it is hard because the person has to see the scars on my arm. How I’m protective of them and I don’t like people to see them.
She was wearing all black with silver and pearl jewelry. She wore black flowers in her hair and silver shoes. I made good eye contact today. I told her at the end that I like her black flowers.
We talked about sui. She said she didn’t really think I was sui. That irritated me. So I felt like I had to prove that I was serious. I told her about a past attempt. I told her that I didn’t tell anyone until afterward. I told my Former T who was my T at the time. She said I should have told her before I did something. I told her about the time I went to the ER because of sui thinking. It was a waste of time and money but she disagreed because I was still here. T said she wants me to tell her before I do anything. I didn’t exactly agree. She said to call the office. That they would say she had no availability but to leave my name and number and she would get back to me. That she would see me on her lunch hour or after hours. That she would make it work. I talked about how I would sui if I was going to. She talked to me about what I have to live for and if I was happy to be alive today. I said not really but I started talking about the people that would be affected if I were gone. That’s what I have to live for.
We talked about my relationship with my mom and dad and sister. The relationship with my mom is complicated but I’m devoted to her. The relationship with my dad is okay. The relationship with my sister is complicated also. We talked about my nieces and nephews and if I passed especially by sui that it would leave a terrible legacy for them. That they would more likely use sui also.
We talked about some other stuff that I can’t remember right now. She said I have family of origin issues which should be resolved and is kind of blurry to her but how we are both smart and we would figure it out. We went overtime by about half an hour. I got two phone calls by my boss and she got one phone call. I don’t know by who. But that was in the overtime portion. We talked about my chronic migraine. Stress at work. Financial stress. We talked about something needed to replace SH but I said I didn’t know what that would be. She said it’s complicated and I’m very isolated with it.
It was a good session. I see her again next Saturday.
Comments okay. Hugs. Kit