hiya sing.. now i understand what you were talking about last night.
when i started.. i had this weird pre-conception that i am understanding now is normal and so common... i just needed to believe that T had some "special" ability to "read" me somehow. That i could give hints, give background and somehow he would figure it all out and give me some kind of voodoo magic. When people suggested to me that a T isn't magical - i balked. i dunno, i think that mysteriousness is a necessary part of the process at stages.
BUT
i'll pass on that same information.. she's not magical or mysterious. There isn't any means or method that they possess that we dont that allows them to gain access to your mind. They get what you give them. They just have training in what to DO with you give them.
you said you haven't been in therapy long, and that combined with you being sort of hint-dropping and mysterious yourself, she probably hasn't gotten to know you well enough to know when you aren't being upfront... and she cant really go on guessing.
the biggest first step i think is to tell her... no guesses... just say you know, i look fine but i feel *this* inside... It's a HUGE step, i know... but there is no other way. It's either tell her or feel bad that she can't just know on her own. No crystal balls, no mind reading.
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On the outside, I seem fine. I wish that were the case. In reality, I feel as if I'm falling apart
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sing.. you have no idea how many people feel this way too... even people who are more or less well.. You are not alone in that sweetie. And like most of us you have probably gotten VERY good at that display... yes? And if no one ever sees how you feel inside.. how can your T figure it out? See the problem?
trust yourself sweetie