I don’t know how others get through life, but I tend to process things on my own and not really include others in things that are deeper and more complex. I probably came to therapy because this process wasn’t working so well in the face of some life crises. But the closeness that evolves in therapy is confusing to me. Sometimes it’s nice, but often it feels like a big pain in the neck to figure out how it’s supposed to work.

Last week we brought up his non-response to my emails again which, as some of you may know, has been a topic for quite a while. In my opinion he seems to give a different reason each time I ask why he doesn’t respond and none of them really make sense to me. This time he said, “because I won’t always be there.” I obviously know this already and am not sure what that has to do with his not replying to my emails. Given my history, I’d think that occasionally sending a brief reply might be a good thing. I tend not to ask for much. I understand not wanting to conduct therapy via email, and I understand that he’s not always available to reply, but sending a brief response to a bid for connection seems like it might be therapeutic. I don’t really even know that I need anything from him, but I think it might be nice. Is that so wrong? I guess I feel disappointed by his blanket statement that he won’t reply at all. I told him I thought his decision was a cop out and he was super nice about it which makes it hard to be mad at him. In my ideal world I’d like him to make the effort and take the risk of deciding when it would be useful to send a brief reply now and then. I fully understand that this could be complex and nuanced and difficult for him and that it’s easier not to do it at all. I also told him that at this point I don’t even want to convince him to change his mind because getting a reply wouldn’t be satisfying for me if I got it by strong-arming him into changing his mind.

Despite the fact that I don’t particularly like his decision to no longer respond to my emails, it doesn’t feel like a dealbreaker to me, but I do find myself coming back to this topic over and over again. In general I think he’s a good therapist, but I’m confused about this and am trying to process my disappointment. I guess part of it is that I can’t help but interpret it as him pushing me away a bit or thinking im not worth the effort. I’m already good at being distant all on my own, so it feels counterproductive and just like a big bummer.

Not sure what I’m looking for from PC, just trying to figure it out as usual.