Rose, it seems to me that you have two separate issues you are dealing with. When I first started reading this thread I thought everything was situational. That is, your difficult situation with your bf. And that is a toughie. I can totally understand why, because you really care for him, you can't just let go and see him go downhill with the inferior care he'll get in a facility.

But it seems to me you have a separate issue, too, which is your own depression. It seems as if you're constitutionally unable to enjoy doing anything for yourself, as if it's somehow a sin. I mean, it's OK to turn yourself inside out making life as good as possible for your bf, but to do something for yourself - well - it's not only unimportant, it's somehow wrong.

Those are really two separate issues, seems to me.

Meanwhile wishing you well and reading your posts in this thread.