Hello Stuck1nHead. Sorry you and your wife are struggling. This is complicated and hard for both of you.

Is it terrible that it's hard for you to be happy when your wife is miserable? Of course not. i don't think that's strange or unusual at all. You love her and share a life with her so of course you want her to be happy and well.

For a healthy relationship, there needs to be attention to three components. The YOU, the ME, and the WE. If the you (her) part is off then that also affects the WE and that's 2/3 of the dynamic. Quite a strain, right? I wonder if you explained it to her in those terms, if it could help her to understand your perspective.

I would respectfully discourage you from "months of getting on her" about a therapy appointment. You cannot make that choice for her and pressuring her will only cause more strain on the WE of the relationship. It's a boundary issue. I live with depression and I am very careful about how it affects my other half. I encourage him to have his time with friends etc even when I am feeling unwell. If I am in great need, I talk to a doctor or therapist, because it's not the role of a partner to treat someone's mental health. Similarly, if my partner oversteps I draw the line quite quickly for him. For example, he used to fixate on the notion that if I could only find the right med, I would no longer have depression. Now I understood that he wanted me to be happy. But I am an expert on my own depression. Hahaha! After years of med trials and wasted time and money, that is not something I pursue anymore. he had a hard time understanding that. To be clear, I'm like a high-functioning depressive if that makes sense. I have bad spells sometimes but have a successful career and take care of my physical health etc. I actively take care of the depression, just not via meds. My partner understands that now. But when he kept bringing up trying a new med I started to get angry and then weary. That's my choice; not his. When he kept going on about it, I felt disrespected. Though I realize that was not his intent.

It's like smoking, for example. A wife may worry about her husband's health due to smoking but being married to him does not authorize her to throw out his cigarettes or lecture him about the hazards. He's an adult. He'll give up if he wants to or not. If she can't tolerate living with a smoker, she can leave. That's her choice. Just as the smoking is his choice.

Intervention for mental illness or any problem really is only effective if the participant actually wants help and fully contributes to the process. Someone could be pressured to see a doctor or therapist, go and just sit there....or just become defensive and leave. There is some reason why your wife doesn't want help. I have no idea what it is but she knows. If she would be willing to share that with you, that would be great but you also want to be prepared for the possibility that she will never tell you.

That said, maintaining good boundaries with people we love seems to be a very common challenge for us humans. So I certainly empathize with your predicament. i tried to address both sides. I wish you and your wife peace, hope, and a bright future!