They don't explain the therapy processes partly because it's not good use of the time to intellectualize during your therapy sessions. Intellectualization is also a defense mechanism, which they don't want to strengthen. It's also so incredibly abstract, and he is remaining neutral rather than influencing your meaning of everything. You will create your own narrative of the experience in time.

There are several mental processing going on in the background that would not occur if he emails you back. Speaking of 2 key process leading to change you ask about--

It seems like you are experiencing intense guilt for having needs. Your ego learns to regulate itself through this therapy, and your superego is overwhelming you. These are processes as you implicitly learn that it's ok to have needs and assert them. This happens over and over until it becomes automatic. Saying--Lrad123 don't feel guilty,isn't going to change things for you. It's experiencing and managing the emotions over and over with your therapist's containment, support, and presence that leads to changes in these mental processes. Guilt can be really destructive to both relationships and life, so don't underestimate it. I don't know how it manifests in your personal life, but your posts are interlaced with extreme guilt. He's a nice guy, so how can you be mad at him. He doesn't allow you to focus on him, so you are left with trying to manage having needs and the guilt you feel. Do you think your focus on the other may have been a way you learned to alleviate yourself of guilt at a young age? Your parents may have been rejecting when you had needs of your own, which led to guilt. If you focused on them instead of yourself, such as trying to make your father happy, it may temporarily divert those feelings. That could be something to discuss with him. (Maybe you could check out some articles on guilt? Ten Things you Didn't Know about Guilt (As a side note, I've had guilt so bad it caused annihilation anxiety and recognize the guilt in your posts)

Your sense of self transformation is another rather dramatic mental process going on in the background. Your boundaries are really blurred with your Ts. You attribute your feelings to him-discomfort, is the one I'm thinking of now. That is a type of projection. You're also very dependent on him. What he says and does really impacts you tremendously. This again, is your psychological boundaries blurred. Anne's point about not recognizing his autonomy stands out to me though I see it differently. It's not that you did anything wrong-but you are not recognizing his separateness, which is the unhealthy dependency related to your sense of self (which will change through this therapy). He seems perfectly fine with reading your emails, but you are worrying so much about simply talking with him about your distress around it. That's what he's there for-let him be him! He is ok with this, he is making himself available to you to discuss with him so do it. Try to see him as who he is rather than who you expect him to be.

All this is very common-many people have this issue; well those whose parents didn't relate to to us like a separate person. That is one of the primary ways I distinguish the way your T works with that of other Ts who might email and otherwise give you what you need. The neutrality allows your mind to self correct these blurred boundaries and so then you will be a separate person who has autonomy and not disempowered by others.

I think these mental processes are occurring and it changes the way your brain works. The relationship is the vehicle for the change rather than central to it though it might seem like it's front and center. It is not-you are the center of it all. In fact, your T is interchangeable. It's not about him or why and how he emails...

Going through your whole life repressing a part of yourself that expresses your needs, asserts yourself, has the right to exist-that is something. One thing it leads to is resentment (and the 3rd quote above is on this path)-it becomes cumulative and then transforms to anger... You don't see it now but these mental processes are occurring in the background to change this. If T kept emailing you back, these processes would not take place.

I am also really glad he will respond when you truly need him, in those few circumstances. He is invested in you Lrad.