Quote:
Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead
So lately my wife has been in a rut and no matter how I try to help I can’t get her out of it. So I’ve accepted if I can’t get her out of it I should at least not add to her worries and stress.
Even though I have accepted this I still find it hard to be happy knowing she is not. It just bothers me too much and I brought this up with her. She then said that it’s terrible that in order for me to be happy, that she has to be happy.
In my mind I just thought is it really so terrible that I feel that way???
So I got to thinking that maybe this stems off of my people pleasing nature. Which since I made a post about that I have made great leaps. But I feel that I have a heightened sensitivity to the moral of those around me. I mean everybody is affected by moral, but I feel that I’m more so than most.
Now when it comes to my wife she’s simply not happy in life. Which is really starting to make me resent her. She’s seen therapist, talked to job counselors, bankers, etc... they all say that she needs to change, but it’ll take time. Things will get better eventually, but it’s more down than up.
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So, have you always been this way growing up -- mirroring others' emotions as your own? If it has been this way for you, then it totally makes sense to me that you feel like your wife's unhappiness is affecting your own happiness.
Don't feel guilty for being happy while your wife is not. Where in a marriage contract, does it state that both spouses should mirror each other's emotional states at all times? That would make for a miserable relationship, wouldn't it?
I don't blame you for resenting your wife's unhappiness; first, because she is stubborn about taking steps to take care of it herself (she expects you, her husband to do it, which is NOT your job, fyi), and second, because she wants you to feel miserable along with her (which is not actually a healthy response) and if you won't, she feels betrayed by you, right? That's just a guess but...
Since she's already been through this with previous counselors, job counselors, etc.,. and they haven't been able to motivate her to change herself, I worry that this new therapist has his/her work cut out for them with your wife.
I wonder why your wife doesn't want to change her priorities to change her life? Because what I'm learning about myself, is that if I want to be happier, I have to change my priorities first, before I can make real change and see the results from it.
Did something happen to your wife that caused her to fall into this ongoing depressive state? Job loss? Child loss? Friend loss? Family loss? Menopause? Income loss? Move to another state? Something had to have been the catalyst.
Don't sacrifice your own happiness as her husband. You don't have to be miserable to empathize with whatever it is she's going through.
You still can and should be happy with your life, while able to empathize with your wife. I think as long as you show her that you care, in some way that she understands, that should be enough. I'm sorry you are going through this.